Perhaps it's not what you were expecting when you first woke up this morning, but here we are: The solo pornoriffic debut of Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom — and rather chillingly referred to as OctoMILF by the clever copy writers at the softcore production company — is upon us! Forgetting for a moment that Suleman once said she'd do everything in her power to feed her kids except porn, before changing her tune and saying she'd reluctantly do it for the right price, it's still a predictably grim affair. We see Suleman topless and legs akimbo in front of a clothes line featuring wee baby things —sexy, no? — in addition to the usual bubble baths, ironing in negligees and other arousing situations. To top it all off, these are only the stills. There is still the dark promise of seeing the exploited mom of 12 pleasure herself on video for the money she needs to feed and clothe her kids. Go humanity! [TMZ]

Those of you who couldn't give two fucks about Pinterest might want to get on it with news that Michelle Obama has signed up and is pinning in earnest. Listing three separate boards on her page — "Around the White House," "Great Memories," and "Father's Day" – she follows only Barack and Ellen DeGeneres at this stage. [Pinterest]

The staff over at NME must have had one hell of a work function the night before signing off pages, that or some jokester on the photo desk thought they'd see what they could squeeze through the net, because when running a review of Fiona Apple's "The Idler Wheel" (etc.) the mag matched it with a picture of Alanis Morrissette. As Eliot Glazer at Vulture says, "To be fair, they both have hair." The man makes a solid point. [Vulture]

It turns out that George W. Bush is a reluctant TV star, appearing in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it role in the first season of Game Of Thrones. Was he a busty maiden or a blood-thirsty soldier? Nope, the former president appeared as a head on a stake – the costume department using a Bush mask — during the season finale. "People may not have noticed this but... the last head on the left is George Bush. George Bush's head appears in a couple of beheading scenes," said the show's creators. "It's not a choice. It's not a political statement… We had to use what heads we had lying around." [io9, E!]

Rihanna wants everyone struggling to get to a size zero to take a step back and reconsider, saying it's not all it's cracked up to be. Whittling herself down thanks to a combination of work and dieting, the singer regrets it and plans to rectify it soon. "I'm a size 0 — and not happy about it!" she says. "I went way too far. I prefer myself a bit chunkier. I want my old butt back!" [Us]

• When he's not reacquainting himself with Rihanna and giving us all migraines, Chris Brown is spending time with his sometime girlfriend, Karrueche Tran. [Page Six]
• Jerry Lewis collapsed at a hotel, but it turns out it was only due to low blood sugar and not something more ominous. [Page Six]
• Career car smashist Amanda Bynes says she can prove she wasn't drinking on the night when she crashed into a cop car in West Hollywood. Telling friends possibly while driving through a preschool playground or the front garden of an old folk's home. [Page Six]
• She's a bit bruised and battered but Lindsay Lohan has returned to work following her very own car accident. [Page Six]
• Did you see Matthew McConaughey's wedding photo, in which he is pointing at his beautiful wife Camila Alves with a J'ACCUSE finger? [People]
• Three ladies have been let go from Basketball Wives. [TMZ]
• Meghan McCain thinks we should legalize marijuana after some of those crazy west coast types got her onto it. [People]
• Julianne Hough didn't need much help from experts to prepare for her role as a waitress-turned-stripper in Rock Of Ages because she totally has that shit down. "I'm actually pretty good at stripping," she said. [People]
• It's a case of he filed, she filed, with Courteney Cox putting her two legal cents in and making her divorce from David Arquette legit. [E!]
• Hilary Duff's baby Luca is clearly not a fan of motherly kisses. [E!]
• Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux headed to lunch in Paris dressed as if they were undergoing an employee evaluation. [E!]
• Considering all of the sad and distressing face eating of late, Mila Kunis saying her stalker looked like he "could eat" her takes on a whole new meaning. [E!]
• Oh no! Liam Hemsworth fears Miley Cyrus is fading away, says an unconfirmed and completely bullshit source. Quick, he'd better get Brad Pitt on the princess phone for advice. [NYDN]
• Bethenny Frankel had Ellen as a guest on her new talk show. The set of which looks suspiciously like a poor man's version of Ellen's set. [OMG]
• I take it all back! Frankel also had Coco as a guest and used her butt as a shelf – all is forgiven. [Radar]
• In case you missed it: The naked Kim Kardashian picture posted on Kanye West's Twitter page is not actually Kim Kardashian. [TMZ]
• "Divorce is difficult because of the admin!" says Russell Brand. [Daily Mail]
• Melissa McCarthy is working a hot new look. Pity it's for a movie role. [Daily Mail]

We've heard and been subsequently bored by Rihanna and Chris Brown's allegedly coincidental run-ins at various clubs in recent weeks, but it might raise an eyebrow of interest to learn that her family seem to have happily signed off on their renewed relationship. Heading on over to 40/40 to catch the Miami Heat game over the weekend, Rihanna and Brown were joined by her granddad Lionel Brathwaite and various cousins. "Rihanna arrived first in a yellow cab, with her family and friends, and was escorted to a private room," said a source type. "Brown arrived a little later and joined her and her family. They sat on the same couch together rooting for the Heat. There was no sign of his girlfriend." [Page Six]
In related yet comparatively trivial news, Rihanna's casual style is the best. [NYDN]

Though there is something to be said for solidarity, Robert Pattinson says the highfalutin actor types who joined the protests at Occupy LA are nothing but a bunch of rich, hypocritical assholes. "I remember when Occupy happened in LA. I knew a bunch of actors who went down to it. They all drove down there, because no one takes the train, and parked one stop away, because they didn't want to be seen driving their free Audis, and then got on the train," he said. "I was like, 'What are you doing? You're probably ruining it for the other people'. I guess that's kind of a bubble; you want to say things, but you are being hypocritical. I've never really been in a position to give my opinion on political stuff before, it doesn't really come up. But suddenly you've got to take an enormous amount of responsibility." [SMH]
Christina Ricci says Robert, Englishman, needed voice coaching on the set of Bel Ami to make his "Valley girl" accent more British. [Us]

She dressed up as Freddie Mercury for her 24th birthday so casting Katy Perry as the singer's girlfriend Mary Austin in an upcoming biopic – alongside Sacha Baron Cohen in the lead — is the clear choice. "Katy would love to be in the film as she is such a huge fan," said a friend. "She would want to play Mary Austin, ideally. Katy has a similar look to Mary and would be a brilliant foil to Sacha." [NYDN]

Mark Wahlberg is heading back to high school to get his diploma. But, unfortunately for potential classmates, he'll be doing it all online. "I've got to take up all the courses that I missed, and I'm a little nervous," he said. "They're going to give me whatever credits I already have, which is probably like one or two. But I'm going to make it happen." [E!]

There was talk of them eloping in Europe last month, but marital word has it that Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas are planning a Stateside wedding in New York on June 30. Get those stalking shoes on because the location has been revealed as St. Patrick's Old Cathedral on Mulberry Street. "It was where Francis Ford Coppola filmed the famous baptism scene in The Godfather in which Al Pacino's renunciation of Satan was intercut with the massacre of the Corleone family's enemies," wrote the Post. That's nice. [Page Six]

• Unsolicited Uterus Update: Khloe Kardashian has started getting fertility treatments. [TMZ]
• Lena Dunham just bought an apartment in the lovely and picturesque neighborhood of Brooklyn Heights — although not on one of the ridiculously gorgeous fruit streets — and is now the proud owner of some New York City real estate. [Page Six]
• Following up her mega-hit "212" and the lesser played but still awesome "Liquorice" was going to be a bit of a task for self-professed lyricist/bitch/comedian/cutie pie Azealia Banks, but she did it — her decent new single "Aquababe" was released overnight. [Soundcloud]
• Cake Boss star Buddy Valastro is in deep shit, and deservedly so, for a transgender jab in Carmen Carrera's direction. [The Daily Beast]
• The best thing to do after rehab is to head straight to a club and test your new resolve, according to Nick Gruber. [Page Six]
• Lady Gaga has Tweeted a photo of her black eye for your visual consumption. [Page Six]
• It's understandable that you might consider stripping yourself naked and running around Orlando Bloom's house – you never know what might come of it. Unfortunately for this guy it turned out to be arrest. [NYDN]
• While movers were clearing shit out of her house to make way for the Obama fundraiser, Sarah Jessica Parker went for a walk and left Anna Wintour in charge. Naturally. [NYDN]
• Oprah and 50 Cent hug it out after bitching about each other for six years. [NYDN]
• Michelle Williams says that boyfriends need to be more than simply "nice." [Us]
• Drew Barrymore is back from her honeymoon already and gets straight down to business with some baby clothes shopping. [Us]
• Justin Theroux, aka that hot guy from Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle who is dating Jennifer Aniston, acknowledges he hit the girlfriend jackpot. [Us]
• Taylor Armstrong curbing her drinking and generally behaving on set is doing the producers of The Real Housewives no favors. [Radar]
• Hunter Tylo's face is news. [Radar]
• Serial tit flasher Kate Moss doesn't heed her own advice to keep your skin hidden. [The Sun]
• RIP Henry Hill, the guy who Goodfellas was based on. [TMZ]

Whether she was doing it in solidarity with Turkish women in light of a proposed abortion ban or just letting it out for a little air, Madonna's nipple exposé is certainly attracting attention. So it's surprising it's taken this long for people to start asking whether it's age-appropriate, I mean, come on, she's a woman — 53-year-old woman! Though internet trolls are predictably going hell for leather with a fury they don't seem to apply whenever Iggy Pop flashes his saggy ol' yams on stage, even celebs are in on the action. "Most embarrassing, cringe-worthy, desperate moment in the history of music?" Tweeted Piers Morgan, fuelling the existing feud she clearly couldn't give two fucks about. But Christina Applegate is coming to the rescue with a clearer perspective. "Reading twitter this am and there r all these tweets about Madonna and her nipple flash. And we are shocked because...?" she wrote. "What I'm saying is. Its not like Sarah Palin had a nip slip, its Madonna." For what it's worth, if my nipples looked as good as Madonna's I'd have them out half the day. In fact, speaking of solidarity, I'm going to pull ‘em out now. Who's with me [NSFW]? [Daily Mail]

Granted "God Bless The USA" might offend those with other belief systems, but that doesn't mean its replacement needs to be something equally offensive to all – with Brooklyn Public School No. 90's principal Greta Hawkins choosing to play Justin Bieber's "Baby" during the kindergarten graduation ceremony and out herself as an old-enough-to-know-better Beleiber of the highest order. Though a kindergarten graduation ceremony? Adorable! [E!]

Kanye West can't wait to fill Kim Kardashian up with his babies so he can stare at her sexy pregnant body all day. "Kanye says he can't wait to see her carrying his child," blurged a source. "He says she will look beautiful pregnant." [Us]

Though it's been available on various media streaming sites in the past day or two, the YouTube fairies finally came out of their weekend blackout and uploaded the video for Fiona Apple's "Every Single Night" so you can watch it in between kittens sneezing and people losing their shit on public transport. It's from her new album "The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than The Driver Of The Screw And Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do" and features a giant octopus so is clearly awesome. [YouTube]

Carrie Underwood is telling conservative Christians to stop being such dickwads and using the bible as a shield for their bigotry, saying she supports gay marriage. "As a married person myself, I don't know what it's like to be told I can't marry somebody I love and want to marry," she said. "I can't imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love."[LAT]

• On Howard Stern's radio show yesterday, "Extra" host and "Dancing with the Stars" finalist Maria Menounos admitted that when she was young, she was sexually abused by her doctor, and now she makes sure her boyfriends go into the exam room with her. [Contact Music]
• Rihanna and Chris Brown are getting back together take 2,300,674. [Page Six]
• Rihanna wants you to know it is her ass in those Armani ads, goddamn it! [Daily Mail]
• What would Hollywood have to do to get you to pay to watch 50 Shades of Grey? How about if they appeal to your masochism and morbid curiosity by hiring Bret Easton Ellis (he of American Psycho) to adapt the text for the big screen? Shit's about to get even weirder. [THR]
• David Arquette figured it was as good a time as ever to finally get his Bar Mitzvah underway. [Page Six]
• Blake Lively gave a brain leak of an interview with Marie Claire when she spoke of her love for food and fashion – two very pressing social topics. Though an eyebrow of interest was raised when she outed herself as a feeder. [NYDN]
• Now that he's promoting Rock Of Ages expect the Tom Cruise sound bites to come thick and fast. Today he's speaking of how his stage makeup scared Suri/everyone. [NYDN]
• Flying Tomato Shaun White may or may not be non-procreatively copulating with (boning) model Bar Refaeli. Insert joke about snowboarders doing mid-sex 720's here. [TMZ]
• Say what you will about Angelina Jolie, her PSA for World Refugee Day is fifty shades of awesome. [E!]
• Cameron Diaz wants to tell you what to eat and when to eat it – in a good way. [E!]
• Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa Bryant may not be getting divorced, after all. [TMZ]
• Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelmann decided to stay local for their honeymoon with a trip to Big Sur. [E!]
• Over in Paris, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are also getting romantical. [Us]
• Snooki's one that got away, Emilio Masella, pwomises he didn't leak the nude pics. [TMZ]
• Trace Cyrus and Brenda Song have called off the engagement no one really cared about to begin with. [TMZ]
• Jenny McCarthy grew out her pubic hair in order to get a little coverage when she shoots Playboy again. [Dlisted]

Being one of the most well-known teenagers in the world doesn't always make you one of the most popular, as Paris Jackson can attest – the 14-year-old telling Oprah Winfrey that some assholes at her posh private school try to bully her. Switching to the school from homeschooling in order to have a more regular life, Jackson found that all the veils and blankets in the world can't stop the abject bitchery that exists in high school. Though she tries not to let it get to her. "People try, but it doesn't always work. At school and some people try to cyber bully me," she said. "They try to get to me with words, but that doesn't really work." On the other hand, she finds that some of the people not going to town on her try and make friends with her because she is famous: "'If I feel someone is being fake to me, I will just push away." Sigh, the social aspect of high school sucks no matter which way you dice it. [Daily Mail]

Madonna has made no secret of the fact that she thinks Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" is a complete rip off of "Express Yourself" – performing a mash-up of the tunes during her recent concert in Tel Aviv after taking a dig during an interview in January. "When I heard it on the radio… I said, ‘That sounds very familiar,'" she said. "It feels reductive." But rather than engage in an Elton John-esque war of words with the icon – which is unfortunate – Gaga says that she's going to leave it well enough alone despite the fact it hurts her feelings. "It sometimes makes people feel better about themselves to put other people down or make fun of them or maybe make mockery of their work. And that doesn't make me feel good at all," she told fans at a gig in Auckland, New Zealand over the weekend. "I don't even want to fight back because it's more important to me to keep writing music." And that, my friends, is how you pretend to take the high road while making it pretty clear you think the other person is a total asshat. [NYDN]

Like all 'mos and theatre nerds of any gender, Barack Obama has a hard-on for Cheyenne Jackson — the President focusing on his looks and not performance when he met the actor backstage at Barack on Broadway. "I can usually talk to anybody, and I was like…," said Jackson. "He said, ‘You look like a movie star.' I said, ‘I'll take it, President Obama.' It was cool." [Page Six]

Speaking of theatre 'mos, third-time host and all-round legend Neil Patrick Harris welcomed the assembled crowd last night to "the 66th annual Tony Awards, or, as we like to call it, Fifty Shades of Gay." Finger snaps and jazz hands all round. Side note: As we await the inevitable release of the biracial pile-on porno it appears someone has already snatched up the title for an "erotic romance novella." [People]

We heard over the weekend how Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves got hitched, and now the "emotional" details are springing forth like drunken family feuds at a wedding reception. "There were no groomsmen or bridesmaids… And there were two preachers, [a pastor of a local church] and a monk," said an ungrateful guest, who added that their kept their vows quiet. "They whispered them in each other's ears. No one knew what they said. Whatever they said was very emotional. [Camila] was tearing up." [Us]

• Rather than giving him dirty looks or slapping him across the face, the ladies in the women's bathroom at Waverly Inn were all aflutter when Liam Neeson used their loos instead of waiting in the men's line. [Page Six]
• It seems Rihanna and Chris Brown can't keep from running into each other at every club in town every night of the week. [Page Six]
• Despite her amazing body Rihanna hired a double when it came to shooting her Armani ads. [The Sun]
• Celebrating her 21st anniversary of marriage to Bruce Springsteen brought tears to Patti Scialfa's eyes. And not in a good way. [NYDN]
• Jennifer Lopez denies she's engaged to her paid staffer/boyfriend Casper Smart after courting attention by wearing a diamond ring on that (!) finger. "Rumors!!! Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got," she wrote. "No engagement!" [Us]
• Word has it that Katy Perry is back fucking Robert Ackroyd after the pair were spotted out twice in a week. [Us]
• Woah, you guys, Joel Madden is, like, totally zany! Following wife Nicole Richie ‘s lead by dying his hair ker-azy colors. [People]
• Christina Aguilera spends some time with her people at LA's Pride Parade. [People]
• Having adopted her first daughter when the tot was three-and-a-half, Katherine Heigl says life with a newborn is a whole different kettle of fish. [People]
• In a frankly shocking turn of events, the divorce depositions of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries won't be filmed. That choking sound you hear is Kris Jenner spluttering on her morning Irish coffee. [Radar]
• Marc Jacobs shows that you can play nice in the wake of a break-up, enjoying a cosy lunch with his ex-fiancé and current boyfriend. [Daily Mail]

The oracle of truth known as Life & Style magazine is reporting that Kanye West told Kim Kardashian to hurry up and divorce Kris Humphries so that she's free to walk down the aisle for the third time. With Humphries dragging it out to get as much as possible from their pantomimed marriage, West told Kardashian to sign the check and be done with it so they can get hitched. "And as they grow closer, Kanye's desire to marry Kim — and hers to be married to him — keeps getting stronger," said a snitch. "Kanye wants to marry Kim, and he's telling her to expedite the divorce so they can start their future. Kanye's like, 'Just do whatever you need to do to make it go away.'" That ‘like' makes it especially believable. [L&S]
Maybe West can chip in now that a pair of Nikes he designed sold for $90,300 on eBay. [E!]

Sherri Shepherd called police after someone with the handle of DaClone Killer called for her rape on Twitter: "Somebody should drag u in a back alley and rape you." The actress herself is taking it okay and shot back: "@DaCloneKiller You think I should be raped in a back alley? Let's see if the police agree w you & I took a pic of your tweet...I'M FILING A POLICE REPORT. SO TELL ME NOW WHAT SHOULD BE DONE W ME." [E!]

Barack Obama knows how to play the game, inviting 25 actor types to breakfast and asking them to help his Young Americans for Obama campaign. Jessica Alba, Jared Leto, and Dianna Agron, among others, were only too happy to help – they did get a free breakfast. "Maybe the only man I truly get nervous around. Worth the early wake up call," wrote Agron. [E!]

Justin Long — aka Drew Barrymore's ex aka the Apple guy aka Justin Long – is officially knockin' boots with Kate Mara. The relationship is categorized as "very new" [read: that grey area between fucking and coupledom] and they were seen going out for a romantic old-timey stroll in the East Village. "She took him out for his birthday," said someone. [Us]

To steal the line that every lazy writer will be using with this story, Azealia Banks is mixing business with pleasure after she named her boyfriend Dave Holmes as her new manager after splitting with Troy Carter, who reps Lady Gaga. Though it sounds a little close for comfort, Holmes also reps little band that could Coldplay so she should be okay. [NYDN]

• Noted shit nugget Justin Bieber has compared his track "Believe" to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." [Page Six]
• Karl Lagerfeld is still obsessed with Pepsi Max and makes some slave follow him around with a bottle of the ever-so fancy soda on a silver tray. Those Pepsi Max enemas, which I'm 97 per cent sure he gives himself, can't be good for you. [Page Six]
• Finally coming to her senses, Rihanna was giving spotted giving her dickbag ex Chris Brown stink-eye at a West Hollywood club. [Page Six]
• It has the potential to be pretty fucking funny if it were produced by the team over at Funny or Die, but Jennifer Aniston's video parodying the intense tabloid interest in her life will be taken down a few pegs by the fact that it's a viral video for Smartwater. [Page Six]
• Now she's all engaged and grownup-like, Miley Cyrus is planning a sexy new album. [NYDN]
• The View avoided a Housewives rumble by giving Teresa Giudice her own segment. Dang! There ain't no rumble like a Housewives rumble. [NYDN]
• Kathy Griffin takes her younger sex thing out for some beach air. [NYDN]
• Celebrities! Pay your damn taxes! The latest to stiff Uncle Sam is Lauren Hill, who allegedly didn't pay taxes from 2005 to 2007 and now owes the government $1.8 million. She could go to jail. The IRS does not fuck around. [Guardian]
• John Travolta has made his first public appearance since his many sex scandals, and surprised everyone by not having a dick in his mouth. [E!]
• Ryan Murphy is selling off the Malibu house that Tween fans built. Perhaps not literally, but who knows? [E!]
• Heads-up, Miley, Olivia Wilde said getting married at 19 stunted her growth. [Us]
• Portia DeGeneres got a haircut that looks kinda similar to her wife Ellen's, according to People. [People]
• While it's not funny that Kimberly Stewart and Benicio del Toro's daughter Delilah has Plagiocephaly and needs to wear cranial molding helmet, it is cute. [Radar]
• James Franco gives Kristen Stewart's acting the thumbs up. Which is something, I guess. [LA Times]

Gisele is pregnant with another baby that will probably grow up so beautiful that it too will earn more in a day than you do in a year. Oh, it's with her husband, Tom Brady, but would be infinitely more interesting if it wasn't. "Yes, she is pregnant," squealed a source. "They are really happy!" Just once, to shake things up, I'd love to hear a celebrity baby announcement that's less enthusiastic. "Yes, she is pregnant," droned a source, "and she's just like -ugh- about the whole thing." [NYDN]
Though maybe, like Gisele, the tot will be rejected by 42 modeling agents first. [Us]

Blind dates may be the worst, but Charlize Theron says it's even more uncomfortable if you're super famous and are doing it for charity. She found this out the hard way when she agreed to auction herself off and found herself stuck with some creepy rich dude for the night. "They trick you with the ‘people are suffering' thing. You fall for it and before you know it you're at a restaurant with some stranger. Like you could end up in Dahmer's apartment," she said, adding that she had to call in a couple of her friends for back-up because the dude was giving her the willies. "Rich people can be creeps, too! Look, I'd rather just give the money [to charity]. It was a scary thing. And [the guy] was weird." [Just Jared]

Kate Bosworth and her director boyfriend, Michael Polish, enjoyed a 30-minute public fight at the CFDA after-party on Tuesday morning. There was shouting, arm-grabbing, slack-jawed stares, but, despite all that, it turned out to be a fizzler as they were canoodling before night's end. Sidenote: this reporter, though failing to find out the context of their tiff, seems to have an awful lot of other details. The best bit: "Although the dance music drowned out much of their heated conversation, we did hear him yell ‘I'm sorry!' and Bosworth repeatedly bark ‘No!' as a large vein bulged in her forehead." [NYDN]

The frankly bizarre relationship between John Myer and Taylor Swift just won't die. First the former has a big cry-baby whine session to Rolling Stone and now the pair are causing delightfully dramatic public scenes when running into each other at West Hollywood bar/restaurants. "Taylor very visibly - in front of the entire restaurant - demanded to be moved to the other side," said a fellow diner. "The bar's usually an oasis of calm and privacy for celebrities and power players, but this was drama central." [Page Six]

When asked if she'll be making music with her good pal Rihanna anytime soon, Katy Perry said they'd be making sweet music together well before they went into the studio together. "No, but we're going to have sex," she said. [The Sun]

• Anderson Cooper, noted rich person, makes joke about rich people things. [Page Six]
• Happy Days actress Erin Moran lives in a trailer park. Meh, maybe she likes living in a trailer park. [Page Six]
• Octomom will no longer be swinging around a pole at a strip club near you, but you'll catch her pleasuring herself on video soon enough so chill out. [NYDN]
• Claire Danes is selling her New York home for $6 million, but she'll throw the (non-sex) swing for free. [NYDN]
• Tyra Banks, who is 38, is snuggling up with a 24-year old model, which makes her a "cougar" because clearly something about a gorgeous model in her 30's getting with a younger man is predatory. [Radar Online]
• Papa Cyrus has given Miley his blessing the traditional way – via Twitter. [E!]
• Sorry, Leighton Meester's mom, the law has decided your daughter doesn't owe you shit. [E!]
• Ryan Gosling took Eva Mendes to his mom's college graduation. Which is hands-down adorable. [E!]
• Nicole Richie steals Gwen Stefani's look, dyes her hair partially pink. [Us]
• Jewel steals Reese Witherspoon's career, prepares for her June Carter biopic. [Us]
• Human robot Jada Pinkett Smith doesn't eat for taste, she eats for fuel. [Us]
• Rihanna says she was generally surpised to learn that people thought her collaboration with Chris Brown was a bad idea. [Us]
• Now that she's a judge on X Factor, Britney Spears is hoping that her dad's conservatorship over all of her financial stuff will end. Plus, she's got a fiancee to do all that crap now. [Radar Online]
• And back to pressing hair news: Kelly Clarkson is now a bubbly blonde. [People]
• Jamie Hince has had the words "Kate Above All" tattooed on his arm in German. His wife, Kate Moss, bet that he didn't have the balls to do it and lost the bet. But who really lost in all of this? [The Sun]

It's official! You're old. Hannah Montana — aka Miley Cyrus — is set to wed her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. Hopefully sidestepping the tweenage fangirl vitriol that would have come her way if they'd waited much longer and Hemsworth's Hunger Games fame had really taken hold, the pair made things legit on May 31 when he presented his 19-year-old bride with a 3.5-carat diamond ring from Neil Lane. The couple have been dating for three years. "I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam," Cyrus told People. Meeting on the set of The Last Song, Hemsworth said he's been in it to win it from the beginning. "What happened happened, and we've been together since," he said. "She makes me really happy. When you start, you want to be professional, but when you're filming those scenes with someone and pretending to love them, you're not human if you don't feel something." [People, Daily Mail]

You probably spent last night dreaming about adorable piglets chowing down on bowls of delicious oatmeal – and rightfully so – but you woke up in the real world so now it's time to counter that innocent delight with the promotional still from Nadya Suleman first solo porn video. With snippets being steadily released in coming weeks, Suleman says she's "very excited for it to come out" after being coached on how to best masturbate for the cameras by adult star Jessica Drake. "Octomom Nadya Suleman aka OctoMILF explores her sexuality in explicit solo vignettes designed and directed by Brad Armstrong," reads a statement on the Facebook page of Wicked Pictures. Phew, thank god Armstrong is on the case because otherwise this could be considered the exploitation of a woman who once vowed to never do porn before being forced into it in order to feed her 14 children. [NYDN]

Them's fighting words! They used to be pretty solid but now Jenny McCarthy is accusing her ex Jim Carrey of turning his back on her autistic son, Evan. "I've tried to ask [Jim] numerous times [to see Evan], because my son still asks," she said, adding that she hasn't, you know, asked him directly. "I think that sometimes people need to take a real break from each other. But I still love him. I think you can love people from a distance and respect him. But as a mother, you just hope when you have a relationship with someone, it has nothing to do with the child when you break up." [Us]

Do you ever feel like you're phoning it in on the starfucker front? Like that laminated collage you made from assorted pictures of teen heartthrobs ripped from the pages of tabloids still isn't enough? Well, now you can wear your stalkeriffic heart on your sleeve, or nails as it were, with this borderline hilarious/terrifying press-on manicure set featuring Robert Pattinson, Joe Jonas, Zac Efron, and Pharrell. If you're careful, you can even get intimate with your favorite stars – which is well worth the 18 dollar price tag. [Refinery 29]

Sorry y'all, Morrissey is quitting music in two years on account of his increasingly flabby belly – his paraphrased words, not mine. "This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone," he said. "The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it." [Advocate]

• NYU normally gets all of the celebrities, so Columbia University drama students were doubly surprised when Kim Cattrall wandered into their Shakespearean acting workshop to polish her craft. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Tilly's Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards dress almost went up in flames. Luckily it was when they were making it. Besides Bound doesn't need her untimely death to make it any more of a revered masterpiece. [Page Six]
• Lil' Kim has weighed in on Nicki Minaj's Hot 97 feud in a roundabout, ranty way by calling Minaj a fraud. "For those of u who have been brainwashed by the fraud. Let's open our eyes now people," she Tweeted, clearly using the Courtney Love Style Guide. "The clone is not bringing ladies out for the luv. It's strictly because I'm doing it! Love u Team Kim and all my fans across the world… they'll believe one day very soon!!" Though you can barely make sense of it, Kim needs to weigh in on everything from here on in. [NYDN]
• Elton John concerned trolled/showed he genuinely cares about Lady Gaga by voicing his concern that she's looking too frail. [NYDN]
• Kanye West isn't above yelling at his fans, which he did when someone tried to steal his shine. [E!]
• Nikki Reed isn't against seeing a cheeky tit shot of pal Kristen Stewart. [E!]
• Kim Kardashian narrowly avoided a ten-car pile-up. [Us]
• Leighton Meester says to watch your back because chances are she's going to fall in love with you. [Us]
• Beating jail time in his DUI case, Matthew Fox says he'll do some drug and alcohol treatment in its place. [Us]
• My, my, New York Post columnist John Podhoretz was quite the catty little thing when it came to his coverage of Anna Wintour's appearance in a fundraising video for Barack Obama — showing his impressive journalistic integrity by going after her hair, smile, and accent. "Wearing a hair helmet that makes her look like a Roman centurion with a '20s bob, Wintour attempts what might pass for a smile on the planet Vulcan and intones Britishly," he wrote. Damn her country of birth! Though it's hard to be too indignant about Fox News employee Greg Gutfield's reaction: "I love Mick Jagger's new wig." Bitchy yet solid. [Observer]
• Cry baby John Mayer says Taylor Swift humiliated him. [Rolling Stone]
• Kris Humphries has moved on with some new lady friend and TMZ have all but jizzed their pants. [TMZ]
• Horror writer Clive Barker is being sued by his ex-boyfriend amid claims that the scribe gave him HIV. [TMZ]
• For the hundredth time, here is Lindsay Lohan's nipple. [INF Daily]
• There are more reports that John Travolta has long been sticking his dick in his male pilot friend. [Radar]

Last night we told you how Hot 97's Peter Rosenberg criticized Nicki Minaj's single "Starships," his harsh words causing her label head Lil Wayne to pull her from the station's Summer Jam in New Jersey. Well, she appeared on fellow Hot 97 DJ Funkmaster Flex's radio show after all hell broke loose on the Twitters to apologize to her fans and explain why she pulled out but, shock of shocks, he also acted like a total dick by both insulting and repeatedly talking over her. Though he did it with tasteful sound effects. The transcript is well worth the read over your cigarette and Slush Puppie organic bircher breakfast, with Flex criticizing her for pulling out, suggesting that she was too much of a fraidy cat to take to the stage and acting like a general idiot. But Minaj held her ground and got him back with some solid gems: "There isn't a bitch alive — and when I say bitch, I include men, because you're a bitch when you act like that — that could scare me from performing a show." In a further display of excellence, she added that she'll make up the no-show by throwing a free concert in New York this summer. [Observer, Vulture]

Queen Latifah denies she came out at the Long Beach Pride Festival. "To me, doing a gay pride show is one of the most fun things. My first show that paid more than $10,000 was in a gay club on New Year's Eve in San Francisco," she said. "When people are going through hatred and bullying, the biggest thing to fight that is love... So that's all I encouraged my audience to do that night: to share their light and share their love. Period." [OMG]

Margaret Cho's pansexuality isn't news to her fans, but she had a pretty great way of explaining it to the pearl clutchers otherwise known as The View's television audience. "I don't like to say that I'm gay or I'm straight — I'm just slutty," she said. "I wanna just hit it wherever I am, and whoever is in front of me, and... I'm gonna hit it, I can't stop, so I'd rather just be honest." She added that monogamy is an "impossible thing" for her and she doesn't like writing checks her ass can't cash. [LA Times]

Adele was looking killer when she took home a thousand Grammys in February, and she's crediting four layers of Spanx after her first choice of a corseted dress made her, you know, pass the fuck out. "I had three or four pairs of Spanx on that night but I loved it," she said. "I actually had another dress made and I ended up passed out in it. It had a corset and I was like, 'I can't wear that,' so I ended up wearing this instead." [Page Six]
In related news, Adele says she'd "fucking shit" herself if her ex started writing broken-hearted love songs about her. [Daily Mail]

• In case you missed it, Russell Brand: Wife Hunter had a few interesting words in his opening monologue at the MTV Movie Awards. "The last MTV awards show I hosted I ended up marrying someone who was there," he said. "I will be keeping my eyes peeled tonight for my next wife." [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan will be appearing in a short film at Art Basel next week. Is she really that interesting as a cultural figure? [Page Six]
• Yesterday we saw her in costume and today we have the first official shot of Lindsay as Liz Taylor — she kills it! [E!]
• Grab the smelling salts, Scarlett Johannson wanted to have dinner alone with her boyfriend, Nate Naylor. [Page Six]
• Kate Winslet says she has a pretty fine ass and she's forever grateful for it. [Daily Mail]
• Christian Bale got a major case of the sads watching Heath Ledger in a Dark Knight montage. [NYDN]
• Amanda Seyfried and Josh Hartnett's "low-key" affair is cooling down. Translation: they were just fucking and that shit gets old and predictable after a while. [NYDN]
• If you needed further proof that Barack Obama was the coolest president ever, he wrote a note for some kid who had skipped school to see him speak. [People]
• Kim Kardashian says she's trying to grab back the privacy she sold for a dollar and can of Diet Coke. She needn't worry, the obscurity coming her way in the next three-to-five years should take care of it. "I've kind of tried to adjust my life to have a little more private life," she said. "My life is very public and so I get that, but if you can choose to have a little bit of a private life I would choose that over other things now, where I probably wouldn't have before." [People]
• Surprise scat aficianado Hillary Duff loves changing diapers. [People]
• When Snow White & The Huntsman cast standard-sized people rather than little people to play dwarves, bet they didn't count on pissing off a group called Little People For America. [TMZ]
• That 7th Heaven dude, Barry Watson, and his wife Natasha Gregson Wagner had a girl and named her Clover. Which is pretty cute until you remember Cloverfield and imagine a terrifying oversized baby creating chaos in Manhattan. [Us]
• Will Kopelman is "excited" to meet the little monster he's having with Drew Barrymore. [Us]
• It's official! Halle Berry is the better parent according to the law. [TMZ]
• Tan Mom's old glamour modeling pics are everything you didn't know you wanted. Offered without commentary — well, beyond that first sentence. [TMZ]
• Snooki's bump watch/new mom stalking is in full swing. [Radar]

Even those who couldn't give two fucks about the music of Notorious B.I.G will find reason to be offended by the Kardashian klan's krazy music clip remake of "Hypnotize." Shooting what looks to be the ultimate home video version of Awkward Family Photos while on holiday in the Dominican Republic, watch as Kim, Kourtney and little sisters Kendall and Kylie join mom Kris Jenner for some good-natured, bikini-clad grinding aboard a yacht — causing hot tears of bloody rage to spring forth among the rapper's many fans. Clearly an affront on many levels, let's hope that the family never employ the services of a decent PR team and forever bless us with their ridiculousness. Slide the counter over to four minutes and 15 seconds to see Kris Jenner do her best accidental Kristen Wiig impression of herself. Meta. [Daily Mail]

Jennifer Aniston is pretty happy that she's finally be crowned queen of dirt bags – winning the honor of Best On-Screen Dirt Bag at the MTV Movie Awards for her role as a complete horn bag in Horrible Bosses. "I mean, do you know how long I have tried to have somebody let me unleash my onscreen dirt bag?" she said as she tearfully accepted the prestigious popcorn statuette. "A long time, and thank god this category just popped up... so I would like to say thank you to the television show Friends for letting me unleash the inner sweetheart. And here's to [director] Seth Gordon for allowing me to be a dirt bag. Thanks, dirt bag." [Us]

The video for Erykah Badu's cover of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" with The Flaming Lips has it all! It features a very naked Nayrok Badu (Erykah's sister), glitter, blood and a little semen thrown in for good measure. You've got to log in to see the video and it's NSFW, but, then again, who knows where you work and what's acceptable? [Pitchfork]

She may have been a little intimidating in her industrial goth drag in Dragon Tattoo but Channing Tatum says Rooney Mara is plenty terrifying in everyday life. Not to mention [gasp!] little. "She's the most mousy and terrifying person I've ever met. She's such a little introvert," he said. "She's also the sweetest little thing you've ever met." [E!]

Steve-O dumped her last month, but Elisabetta Canalis said she'd be willing to give it another shot if he were keen – but can't say the same for her relationship with George Clooney. "That relationship is over, it's all in the past," she said of Georgie boy. "Steve has a lot of strength and humor. It was one of the most important relationships of my life and it doesn't feel as if it is over yet." [NYDN]

• Do you like little-known facts and Leighton Meester? Well, get excited because she shared a personal gem about her private life that's is now going to appear in every Gossip Girl-themed trivia night – if that were indeed a thing. "A little-known fact is that when I'm performing, I like to wear a bodysuit beneath whatever I'm wearing," she said. "I hate bras, at least when I'm singing." [Page Six]
• Sure to be Wes Anderson's favorite new band, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbin's son Miles is promoting his folk band Pow Pow, which is made up of Miles' childhood friends. [Page Six]
• Blake Lively and Ryan Reynold's have been spotted shopping for furnishings to feather their co-dependant nest. [NYDN]
• It turns out that Brooke Mueller isn't in rehab because of Charlie Sheen, she's in for a "touch-up." Which sounds delightfully casual. [NYDN]
• Grab the heart medicine! Indie sleepers Breaking Dawn and The Hunger Games surprised everyone by killing it at the MTV Movie Awards. [E!]
• And here is a photo of bride Drew Barrymore pashing on with her new husband Will Kopelman. [E!]
• Cameron Diaz looks happy despite the hangover after Drew's wedding. [Radar]
• Dayum! Big Dick Richie — aka Joe Manganiello — made a deposit at the spank bank by appearing topless onstage at the MTV Movie Awards. [People]
• Eva Mendes keeps driving nails into the coffin of your dead dreams, this time absconding to Canada with Ryan Gosling. This is starting to get boring, we really need a new teen heartthrob-style heartthrob – I expect nominations in the comments. [People]
• Goldie Hawn gave her son Oliver a house, which is nice. What's mildly creepy is that TMZ found out about it by sifting through some public records. [TMZ]
• Finally we have photos of Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor. Let the judging begin! Not a dead ringer, but she looks great. [TMZ]
• The perfect Neil Patrick Harris loves his perfect twin sons now, but when he and perfect fiance David Burtka first adopted them, Harris admitted to Oprah that he had difficulty feeling bonded with them. Probably because tiny babies yell a lot. [HuffPo]
• Move over Courtney Stodden/Coco, LeAnn Rimes is edging in on your territory by going on a treadmill run in stilettos. [Radar]
• To highlight an article about celebrity couples who look similar here are some couples who look nothing alike! Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, we're looking at you. [The Sun]
• Victoria Beckham says David Beckham can't dance for shit. Though she's previously said he kills it in the sack. Guess you can't have everything. [The Sun]

Concussions are very serious. But the shenanigans that lead to concussions? Often hilarious. Case in point: Justin Bieber's run in with a large, immovable glass wall last night at the singer's Paris concert, which resulted in a slapstick collision (funny!) followed by cartoons of birds and stars circling his head (also funny!) followed by a concussion and a brief fainting spell in his dressing room (less funny). But after making like an ill-fated songbird and crashing head on into glass, Biebs was decidedly upbeat, even going so far as to challenge the glass to a throwdown in Vegas. After the incident, he Tweeted, "i will see u again Glass. I will have my revenge. BIEBER vs GLASS. MGM LAS VEGAS 2013. lol. #GottaLaughAtYourself." [People]

They say that feeding your child can be some of the most intimate and rewarding bonding time you'll share with your wee one. Others say it is as boring as shit. But Charlize Theron has found the best way to kill time while her son Jackson feeds — catching up on Game Of Thrones. "I'm absolutely foaming at the mouth with Game Of Thrones. I cannot get enough of that," she said. "When my son came in to my life that was our bottle feeds because I couldn't watch television and I slept so little. And that was my TiVo feed every two hours — watching Game Of Thrones. And my mom was like, 'Do you think it's fine that you're feeding your son while there's sword fights?' I was like, 'It's fine, mom. It's fine.' So, yeah, I'm somewhat obsessed with that right now." [Us]

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are set to bury the hatchet according to truth bible The Enquirer, though at the time of going to press it wasn't certain if said hatchet burying was going to be in peace or in each other's back. "Jen and Angelina have hated each other for years, and they've each thought long and hard about what they'd say if they ever got face to face," said an alleged friend of Aniston. "Angelina will be going on the attack about Jen always playing the victim — and Jen is going to blast back at Angie for being Hollywood's greatest husband stealer." In the back it is! [Gather]

Ru-roh! Brooke Mueller had better bust out her rehab punch card (the tenth visit is free!) because she relapsed and is now back on the inside to treat her taste for crack cocaine. The sad, and sadly predictable, part is that she fell off the wagon thanks to a four-day binge with ex-husband/enable Charlie Sheen and missed Mother's Day with her kids. "As part of her ongoing treatment and as planned, she voluntarily checked herself into a rehab facility several weeks ago," said her rep, Steve Honig. [Celebuzz]

Though his reputation has been all but ruined, the woman accusing Matthew Fox of punching her in the vagina has withdrawn her lawsuit. Her lawyer backed out in April, saying she "intentionally failed and refused to provide full and timely cooperation and information" and had reneged on an offer to pay his out-of-pocket expenses, and now the Cleveland bus driver has decided to call it quits. Maybe she just couldn't afford to keep going? Maybe he didn't do it? Who knows? I'm not a lawyer, accountant or medium. This comes just days after Dominic Monaghan accused his former co-star of beating on women. [EW]

Word has it that Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are dating once more after their were spotted looking "pretty engaged" while eating at East Village Mexican joint Empellon Cocina. "It looked a little more friendly than a business meeting," said a source. In what way? Did they sit there in silence while gazing longingly at each other? Was finger banging involved? More information required. [Page Six]

• Katie Couric had a bit of a dig at Snooki during a press conference. "It's funny people find her interesting," she said. Gendered cat sound. [Page Six]
• Kim Kardashian and estranged husbandprop Kris Humphries will have their depositions taken in their fairytale divorce proceedings at the end of this month. Kris is apparently pushing to hash things out in court so there will be cameras to capture the whole thing. Love is so beautiful. [RadarOnline]
• Rihanna wants to have adult cuddles with Cheryl Cole. [Page Six]
• Though she surely caught sight of herself in dressing room mirrors, January Jones said she "ran screaming" when she saw herself as fat Betty on Mad Men. [NYDN]
• The Magic Mike poster, featuring a shirtless Channing Tatum, looks like an ad for a cheesy gay club – which is perfect. [E!]
• Breaking: Snow White And The Huntsman doesn't suck. My apologies, Kristen Stewart haters. [E!]
• Both Pink and Chelsea Handler are in the hospital, but they're soldiering on. [E!]
• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher still haven't gotten around to filing their divorce. [RadarOnline]
• Michael McKean was released from hospital yesterday after he was hit by a car in New York. [TMZ]
• Jean Paul Gaultier busts out some old favorites when designing costumes for Madonna's MDNA tour. [OMG]
• Madonna's already kicked off the tour and of course all anyone can talk about is her arms. [Daily Mail]
• Want to see pictures of Chris Hemsworth's daughter India even though they were taken by paps? Your call. [Popsugar]
• Drew Barrymore and her bestie Cameron Diaz enjoy a day of wedding dress fittery. [LA Times]
• I love seeing actor types transform their bodies for film roles. Though Mila Kunis gaining a couple of pounds isn't all that exciting. [Radar]
• The Kardashians decide their brother's wedding will probably suck, decide not to show. [Radar]

A Hong Kong newspaper is claiming that actress Zhang Ziyi has earned more than $100 million to open her jasmine flower to high-ranking, deep-pocketed government officials over the past 10 years. Zhang denies the allegations, and a statement from her publicist reads: "We read this outrageous report in the Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness… Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent." And:

But this time we don't want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth… This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we'll seek legal justice; we'll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

The 33-year-old actress's lawyers have demanded an apology and a full retraction. There's obviously something going on behind the scenes here, since the reports involve China's former Minister of Commerce Bo Xilai, who was ousted from his position in March and is being investigated for corruption and abuse of power. How Zhang got dragged into this political scandal is unclear, but meanwhile, she's been barred by the Chinese government from leaving the country — she was supposed to attend the Cannes Film Festival — and she is threatening to sue. As we wait for more information, we'll pass the time counting the really bad crouching tiger, hidden scandal jokes in the reports. [Telegraph, E!, Daily Mail, E!]

Prince Harry has always been hotter than his older brother. Those who agree can get their uteruses fired up, because the saucy bit of red says he's looking to make some babies. "I've longed for kids since I was very, very young," he said. "And so I'm just waiting to find the right person, someone who's willing to take on the job." Any takers? [NYDN]

Yesterday it was another tattooed sports star, today Rihanna is back to fucking on Drake — the duo grinding on each other at some club in Miami. "Rihanna was all over Drake this weekend," said some pervy onlooker. "They were holding hands and dancing all close on the dance floor." [Us]

Ali Larter is shopping around a book referred to as the "anti-GOOP" hosting guide/cookbook, Kitchen Revelry: Fun, Fearless And Festive Ideas To Inspire You To Take A Bite Out Of Life. She encourages her readers to serve champagne out of glasses with lipstick stains and other such grosseries. "This journey started during my first, disastrous dinner party," she said. "I lived in a fourth-floor walk-up above a pub… I was lonely and trying to use it as a way to meet new people. My insecurities got the best of me and I drank too much wine. I had my mind set on an overly complicated dish… I just wish I had found laughter through the tears. Mistakes happen… burn, cry, reapply!" You've gotta have a catchphrase. [Page Six]

Though the male members of the Teletubbies were forever engaged in a circle jerk masterminded by that sexual predator Tinky Winky in the fevered mind of Jerry Falwell, Nikky Smedley — aka Laa-Laa aka the yellow one – has come forward to say that they weren't gay. Or anything, really. "I think it's embarrassing for the people who said it," she said. "What kind of person can take the obvious innocence and turn it into something else? We were hardly sexual beings." Try telling that to plushies. [Advocate]

• Here's a picture of Mary-Kate Olsen and new boyfriend Olivier Sarkozy. The bosses of the latter are pissed because they wanted him to keep a low profile, and dating a US celebrity a couple of decades your junior wasn't on the acceptable relationships memo, apparently. [Page Six]
• Weaves was flying after TV exec Paul Smith kicked off plans to produce a stage version of Slumdog Millionaire without the film's creative team, including director Danny Boyle. As a result, composer A.R. Rahman has said "No fucking way!" to letting Smith use the movie's anthem "Jai Ho." [Page Six]
• For those that give a fuck: DJ Afrojack says he didn't dump Paris Hilton. Though her rep says they were never dating in the first place. [Page Six]
• Cyndi Lauper is going to star in another reality show. I think that's something we can all get behind. [Page Six]
• Matthew Fox's friends say he has never hit a woman. Apparently, punching bus drivers in the vagina doesn't count. [NYDN]
• People are pissed that UCLA granted P Diddy's son an athletic scholarship because he clearly doesn't need the money. [E!]
• Charlie Sheen has nine million lives – he's going to be hosting the MTV Movie Awards. [E!]
• Attention! Katie Holmes is drinking a beer. It's madness! [Us]
• After copping shit for burning a $100,000 Birkin bag, Tyler Shields is donating $100,000 to a family in need. [Us]
• Wanna see Mark Wahlberg getting a spray tan while clad in nothing but his manties? You know you do. [Us]
• Jesus, somehow Jamie Lynn Spears' daughter is now older than you or I. [People]
• Headline left as found: "Murdered NFL Star Steve McNair's House Up For Sale: Take A Peek Inside!" The exclamation mark really makes it. [Radar]
• In related news, you can now buy the house that Amy Winehouse overdosed in. [Daily Mail]
• David Beckham gives a few old birds a thrill as he visits his gran in her nursing home. [The Sun]

He's been out of the limelight for some time but Michael Lohan has found a way to get his name back in the funnies – accusing his daughter of being hopped up on pills. Getting panned after her recent appearance on SNL, Daddy Dearest says the actress was riding high on some undisclosed prescription drugs. "'I have to say this. On SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her," he said. "'And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn't need them. But they kind of make her flat. She's not acting at a full potential. It's like the screen is down over her." The Father of the Year goes on to say that he had a word with the daughter whose life he's continually helped fuck up and suggested she lay off the good shit. "And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.' And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee." That man deserves a standing ovation, and by standing ovation I mean a swift kick in the nuts. [X17]

More on that messed up family: That eerie silence you're currently (not really) hearing is the sound of a million drama-loving hearts at a standstill upon hearing news that stay-at-club mom Dina Lohan has just been given her own reality show. Called DramaMamas, the "documentary series" will follow her as she ruins some young lives via stage coaching. "There is nothing more important to me than a parent standing behind their child and helping them fulfil their dreams," said Lohan. Excuse me while I go and slip into a pleasure coma. [Celebuzz]
Update: Dina's been offered a spot on not one but two reality shows! [TMZ]

Word has it that Rihanna has herself a new boyfriend – none other than Knicks player J.R. Smith. The tatted baller is said to have been dating the "pulchritudinous pop star" for a few weeks and the pair spent the Memorial Day weekend in Miami. Of course, being a new suitor of the star, Smith is subject to a background police check by magazine editors, who have found he has quite the back catalogue: driving without a licence, reckless driving that killed a friend and posting pictures of a woman's naked ass on the interwebs. [NYDN]

Subscribing to the biting the hand that feeds you school of PR, Blake Lively says her acting on Gossip Girl sucks and she can't wait to be done with it, but thanks for all of the memwies. "You know, six years is a long time," she said. "I don't think I'd say, 'Watch Gossip Girl for my best quality of work.' But I am very lucky to have had that experience." [Bullett]

Having watched Sex And The City one too many times, Drew Barrymore's fiancé Will Kopelman asked Cameron Diaz for permission before he proposed. "I knew Drew was getting married before she did!" said Diaz. [The Sun]
Christian Bale has revealed that he once lived the dream of every straight, and occasionally gay, male of the '90s by going on a date with Drew Barrymore. Both teen actors at the time, he admits he totally screwed things up. "We went to see some bloody awful horror film, and that was the end of it," he said. "She never called again." Was it Doppelganger? That was pretty shit. [Access Hollywood]

• Jewelry junkies, here is an up-close look at Keira Knightley's 2 carat $40,000 engagement ring. [Us]
• Mary-Kate Olsen has gotten very interested in French matters lately, specifically the brother of former President Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Sarkozy — the pair are said to be dating up a storm. [Page Six]
• After bitching about how nobody wants to date her except for her pesky fellow countrymen, Bar Refaeli is finally getting some in the form of Olympic medalist/snowboarder Shaun White. The Secret does work! [Page Six]
• Who knew Charlize Theron was a total Ultimate Fighting Championship fan? [Page Six]
• Charlize is also a fan of parenting bible Go The Fuck To Sleep: "This book was good for me because it made me realize that I don't need to judge myself right now." [Us]
• To be fair to LeAnn Rimes, if I were a woman I too would do my grocery shopping in a bikini and cork wedges. [Page Six]
• Her ex Daniel Craig may have run off with Rachel Weisz but Satsuki Mitchell clearly isn't doing too bad for herself with news she might be dating SATC's Jason Lewis. [Page Six]
• It seemed like just yesterday that Calvin Klein's plaything, Nick Gruber, punched a friend in a cocaine rage, but after four weeks drying out he's back and ready for some sober action. [Page Six]
• Demi Lovato admits it's hard for her to ask for help when she feels herself falling back into old, self-destructive patterns. [NYDN]
• Jessica Biel says that marriage to Justin Timberlake won't change anything about her life. Not true, she'll have that amazing ring she can hock if things look shaky on the job front. [NYDN]
• Detractors haven't even had the time to trash her acting in the first one but Kristen Stewart says she can't wait for a Snow White And The Huntsman sequel. [E!]
• Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni look amazing in their wedding photo. [People]
• Kim Kardashian hacks into her mom's Twitter and jokes that she's Kris Jenner's favorite daughter. And she may be, she seems to earn the most. [Yahoo]
• Proving she's well and truly risen above her former friend, Kim Kardashian couldn't give a fuck about the fake feud brewing betwixt her and Paris Hilton. [Radar]
• By the by: You know how Kim Kardashian had something sentimental stolen from her luggage? Turns out it was a pair of vintage sunglasses her dad, Robert Kardashian, gave her just before he died. British Airways is investigating. [TMZ]
• Attention ghouls! Michael Jackson's anguished letter to Lisa Marie Presley and Whitney Houston's passport are now both up for auction. [Daily Mail]
• And now, a moment with Adam Levine: "There's two kinds of men. There are men who are fucking misogynist pigs, and then there are men who just really love women, who think they're the most amazing people in the world. And that's me. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much." But wait! There's more!

  "You know what yoga's good for?" Adam Levine asks, pausing in mid-thought as he discusses his healthful lifestyle. He draws to his feet, balances in the private jet's narrow aisle, points at his crotch, and thrusts his pelvis like a porn star. "I'll tell you what yoga is good for: Fuuuuck-ing," he chimes, in a singsong falsetto, then laughs.

  [Details]

Have you ever wondered what celebrities talk about when sequestered away making a movie on location? Well, when it came to Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna on the set of Battleship it was tits and ass, apparently. Gushing, we hope drunkenly, about how amazing each other's bodies were, the pair decided that while they were both doing okay in the physique department a few adjustments would be welcome. "We are envious of each other's bodies," said Decker. "We decided that I'm going to borrow her butt for a day — and she's going to borrow my breasts." Though the thought of their bodies Frankensteined together creates an interesting mental picture, Decker will have to get used to her breasts getting flashed around – as Rihanna is wont to do with her own. "Because I'm such a tomboy, I hate showing off my body," added Decker. [Us]

Remember when Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" first dropped and there were comparisons to Madonna's "Express Yourself"? Well, the first queen of pop made her feelings known during rehearsals for her MDNA tour — doing a mash-up of the two tunes before repeatedly chanting: "She's not me… she's not me… SHE'S NOT ME!" [Vulture]

Sad and sweet, Prince William told Katie Couric that he wished his mom, Princess Diana, had met his wife, Kate Middleton, on their wedding day. "I sort of prepared myself beforehand," he said. "[But] it's the one time since she's died where I've… thought to myself it would be fantastic if she was here, and just how sad really for her, more than anything, not being able to see it." [Page Six]
Though Prince William obviously looks up to his dearly departed mom, a new biography makes claims he doesn't feel quite the same about his dad and feared the patriarch's cheating streak might make him cheat on Middleton — so much so that he almost didn't marry her. [NYDN]

You don't want to get on the wrong side of airport officials, but Kim Kardashian has challenged British Airways to a duel by accusing them of stealing her shit. "Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage and taking some special items of mine," she Tweeted. "Some things are sentimental and not replaceable. What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security and no trust!" [BBC]
She can always turn to Kanye West for support, the singer proving she's his number one focus after blowing off work to hang with her. [NYDN]

A charity soccer match almost turned into a celebrity death match after Will Ferrell hobbled off the field with an apparent leg injury and Gordon Ramsay was taken off by a stretcher. Though he seems to be okay now. "Thx 4 all the messages," he Tweeted. "Out of hospital after receiving amazing care from medics at ground & hospital. Bit sore but fine." [People]

• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Athony did their best not to claw each others eyes out onstage as they promoted their series Q'Viva! The Chosen in Las Vegas, opting instead for a warm hug. [Page Six]
• If you dreamed a dream that you could see more pictures from the set of Les Miserables, it's your lucky day: Amanda Seyfried, Hugh Jackman and Eddie Redmayne look ready for that castle on a cloud. [JustJared]
• In case you missed it: Keira Knightley is engaged. [CNN]
• It's weird that they point out how wealthy he is in this article seeing as how she's not doing too poorly herself, but Kim Cattrall is dating artist Clifford Ross. [Page Six]
• A passionate PDA and an engagement ring flash, Keira Knightley is giving the paps what they want/living life like a normal person. [E!]
• Elvis fans take note: they're auctioning off the entrance to a private crypt that once housed his body. Classy. [E!]
• Honorary degrees can be kind of bullshit, especially to all of those who worked their ass off to get one through regular channels, but Robert De Niro picked up an honorary doctorate of fine arts from Bates College. [E!]
• David Beckham does his best to get readers wet as he emerges from a pool in the pages of July's issue of Elle UK. He and his tattoos are also on the cover — the mag's first-ever male cover model. [Us, Elle UK]
• Khloe Kardashian is excited about Kourtney Kardashian's daughter, who has not yet been born: "All I want to do is dip my niece in glitter and put a tutu on her!" [Us]
• Witness Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan's transition from regular gazillionaire and partner to tabloid fodder. The secret ingredient: marriage! In Italy on their honeymoon, entertainment hacks are stalking their every move. "I showed them my photo of Jesse Eisenberg," said cornered restaurant owner, Lorenzo Lisi of Pierluigi. "We had a laugh because everyone who sees the picture at the restaurant says 'Hey that's the guy from Facebook.'" [Us]
• Todd Bridges, of Diff'rent Strokes fame, and his wife Dori have split after 14 years of marriage. [People]
• You're not going to get Kelly Clarkson in stilettos, says Kelly Clarkson. [People]
• Britney Spears has a simple, but effective, salary bargaining technique: make sure she's paid more than Jennifer Lopez. [TMZ]
• The pap that got roughed up by Justin Bieber must have had no idea the singer has been training with Mike Tyson. [TMZ]
• P Diddy wants to marry someone, anyone! He said so himself. [Radar]
• Sharon Stone dons an intriguing wardrobe of guns, lingerie and a short, dark wig for a short film for French magazine French Revue. Sassy. [Daily Mail]

Remember when Jennifer Lawrence transcended from respected up-and-coming actress into Hunger Games-fueled blockbuster magic and Kristen Stewart wanted to rip her hair out for stealing her tween-heavy Twilight shine? Well, the tabloid eds who frothed at the mouth over the fabricated feud were just handed a new reality-based headline after both actresses publicly announced they're gunning for the role of Peyton Loftis in an indie adaptation of William Styron's book Lie Down in Darkness.

"It is very unusual for two actresses to be so vocal in lobbying for a role, and even more unusual that they are the two hottest young actresses of the moment," said a source who clearly doesn't remember the many instances where exactly the same thing has happened. "It's an independent movie, and they see it as a career-making role, like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice." And they do seem pretty passionate about it. "I want to play Peyton more than anything I can possibly taste or touch in my life," Stewart told Elle. "I want to play her so bad." With Lawrence gushing to W: "I am obsessed with that part. I have this feeling of protectiveness over characters I want to play… If someone else gets the part, I'm afraid they won't do it right." Let the games begin! [Page Six]

Revealing that she's been on a celebrity trainer-endorsed crash diet and exercise regime at her concert over the weekend, Beyonce told the crowd she was going to indulge to balance things out. "Y'all have no idea how hard I worked! I had to lose 60 pounds. They had me on that treadmill. I ate lettuce!" she said. "Now tonight I'm gonna get chocolate wasted!" [Us]

After being caught blatantly hugging each other at a party over the weekend it turns out that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher may have gotten huggy at another point over the past month. Add the fact that Moore is yet to sign the divorce papers into the mix and you can almost hear people chanting: reconciliation, Reconciliation, RECONCILIATION! "'I know they met up with Rabbi [Yehuda Berg] around the time of the Gemini New Moon last Monday, it signifies a time of new beginnings, especially when it comes to communication, so they met again before the party, at least once, maybe twice," said one such hopeful. "The idea was to discuss, where do they go from here." [Daily Mail]

Will Smith is already worried about his 11-year-old daughter Willow dating. "It's coming, and I'm nervous about it. Having two boys and a girl, I realize that boys take trouble to other people's houses, and girls bring it home." He adds that instead of chaining her to a radiator, Black Snake Moan style, he's just going to ensure that all potential suitors are as uncomfortable as possible. "When Willow does bring a boy home, I'm going to screen him and find out everything about him. And that's going to happen when she's 40, when she's allowed to go on dates!" [People]

Smash's Jack Davenport has a few restraining orders in his future if the commotion he's causing in Park Slope playgrounds is anything to go by. "Loads of moms are all in a flap about sightings of gorgeous Jack Davenport with his cute son," said one resident of the consummate DILF. With others taking to Facebook to leave notes that might one day be tendered as court evidence: "Just spotted Jack Davenport in the local playground. Bet you wish you'd been there, Brooklyn girlies!" [Page Six]

• Uma Thurman decided to take her baby bump out for a little fresh air. Clearly so paps could gawk at it. [Page Six]
• Watch out, Uma, Reese Witherspoon was stealing your shine as she took her bump for a walk at Cannes. [People]
• Former banker and distant cousin of Kate Middleton, Katrina Darling, is capitalizing on her fame-by-proxy and has thrown in her analyst job for good to be a full-time burlesque dancer. [Page Six]
• Anyone else totally forget that Stavros Niarchos and Jessica Hart are a couple? Well, anyway, they're moving in together. [Page Six]
• Last week Bar Refaeli was lamenting the fact that no one hits on her and now the Israeli model is bitching about how sick she is of her fellow countrymen hitting on her and pretending they don't know who she is. [Page Six]
• They've been engaged for a few weeks now so Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel decided to throw an engagement party. It went down on Saturday in the backyard of their designer/stylist Estee Stanley — 'twas awfully nice of her to allow her lawn to get ruined – with 100 guests including Ellen DeGeneres and Lance Bass being treated to a live blues band. Party rating: golf claps. [E!]
• In a shocking turn of events, Kris Jenner suggests that her daughters are equally tough on her. [E!]
• A relief to neighbors who hate his loud ass, Chris Brown is finally selling his West Hollywood apartment. [Us]
• Sissy Spacek's daughter, Schuyler Fisk, got hitched. [Us]
• It's kind of eye-rolly when a couple expresses their icky love on Facebook or the like, but Jason Trawick put the others to shame by posting a gushy video professing his love for Britney Spears. [People]
• Melissa Rivers has split with her porn king boyfriend – again. [TMZ]
• As if spending upwards of $40K at a tanning salon wasn't embarrassing enough Lindsay Lohan makes sure to keep it in the public eye by repeatedly refusing to pay the bill. [TMZ]
• Justin Bieber is in deep shit for pushing a pap around, though it's hard to have much sympathy for the photographer under the circumstances. [TMZ]
• Kicking you while you are down, Eva Mendes waxes lyrical about how happy she is with Ryan Gosling. [Daily Mail]

Mastering the art of a decent hand job requires enviable skill and much practice, but rather than applaud the dexterity Kristen Stewart is said to display while simultaneously jerking off two guys in On The Road Dan Gainor of the Culture and Media Institute is up in arms over her busy hands. "In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this?" he shrieks. "It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people." Let's stop him right there. Before you go a Googlin' to find out what this official sounding Culture and Media Institute is all about and inflating their page views, on their site they describe their mission as "holding the liberal media accountable for shamelessly advancing a left-wing agenda, distorting the truth, and vilifying the conservative movement." Now, let's shamelessly advance our left-wing agenda by asking two questions: First, what parent is going to take their tweenager to go and see On The Road? And, second, can I have a show of hands who lost their hand-shandy virginity well before they got married and realized sex can only be between a man and a woman for procreational purposes? I thought as much. For her part, Kristen Stewart said the sex scenes were a trip. "I wanted to do [the scene]," she said. "I love pushing. I love scaring myself. I've always wanted to get as close to an experience as I could." [Radar, Page Six]

• Did Britney Spears storm off the set of X Factor? Sources say she bailed after one contestant delivered a horrible performance of "Hold It Against Me." (Said contestant, meanwhile, is likely mortified.) TMZ reports that Britney didn't immediately return, forcing contestants to audition in front of the other judges and Britney's empty seat. But she says she was just taking a break; sometimes a girl's gotta pee. Whatever the case, this sort of drama explains why Brit's $15M contract is only for one year. [TMZ, NYDN, Radar]

  ---

  Speaking of dick, Lindsay Lohan has finally found hers after True Blood actor Grant Bowler was cast as Richard Burton in Liz And Dick. "We had seen him on tape and liked him but wanted to confirm the chemistry between the two," said producer Larry Thompson. "But this morning we had Lindsay and Grant come into a room at Lifetime and the chemistry exploded." [E1]

  ---

  And the sexy casting news just keeps on rolling after it was revealed that Nicole Kidman sexted The Paperboy director Lee Daniels to land her part. "I actually went into my bathroom and I got out the fake tan and put on fake eyelashes and got a hairpiece thing that was platinum, threw it all on and texted a photo to Lee in all these different provocative positions," she said. "What he sent back I can't say, but it was a thumbs up." Between this and the alleged golden shower-esque scene it's sure to be a cracker. [Us]

  ---

  Usher and Tameka Foster's custody battle is getting pretty messy. It's also getting juicy. Fans of Muriel's Wedding will be interested to know that Foster is accusing the singer of sleeping with her bridesmaid. "I pray the truth finally gets out," she added. "I didn't start this battle, I filed in response." [NYDN]

  ---

  To be filed under gross: John Mayer revealed he wooed a lady by singing her a page from Fifty Shades Of Grey. "I was trying to impress her, and she had [the book] on her Kindle," he said. "And so I said, 'I'm going to sing it to you.' So I sang her one of the pages of Fifty Shades Of Grey." Fortunately, she had a rational response. "She fell to the ground… laughing," he added. [Us]

  ---

  • Today in DUIs: Jenna Jameson was arrested early this morning on suspicion of one after running her car into a pole. At some point, the city of Los Angeles really should consider some sort of celebrity-only transit system to keep the sauced ones off the road. [TMZ]
  • That Ukrainian reporter who got a quick slap/punch after trying to forcibly kiss Will Smith has his eyes set on Selena Gomez. "I love her. She is my future project," he said. "Selena, hi. I'm not afraid of Justin Bieber. He's not competition." Shit is gonna go down. [TMZ]
  • Wilmer Valderrama's neighbors really want him to shut the fuck up. [TMZ]
  • Here's a random report that Alec Baldwin and fiancée Hilaria Thomas might elope in Europe. [E!]
  • Speaking of: If you were waiting for Alec Bladwin to break Twitter after falling out with Harvey Weinstein keep waiting –- the two have patched things up. [Page Six]
  • Like many a single lady and gay man, Katy Perry and Adam Lambert made sure they were in the thick of it during the start of Fleet Week. [Page Six]
  • Food Network star Anne Burrell has confirmed she's a lesbian after she was outed by big-mouth fellow presenter Ted Allen. But she don't care the news is now common knowledge because it's never been a major secret. [Page Six]
  • Tara Reid may or may not be dating 60-year-old watch and jewelery maker Fawaz Gruosi. [E!]
  • Seth Myer says he's bummed about Kristen Wiig leaving SNL. Take a ticket. [Us]
  • Katy Perry's documentary Part Of Me is almost upon us and the trailer already is. [Us]
  • Want to see the house that love built and then soured? Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds' former home is on the market. [People]
  • Is it just me or does Anne Hathaway's fiancé Adam Shulman have a touch of the Ryan Goslings about him? Scroll down to the last picture. [Daily Mail]
  • Lady Gaga's suite at the W Taipei costs $12,000/night. NBD. [People]
  • Kim Kardashian tries her hand — er, leg — at flashing some Angelina gams. [Radar]

This sounds like pure fiction but, as we're not a court of law, let's run with it — Sharon Stone is being sued by her former nanny amid allegations of racism, religious persecution and first-degree bitchery. Which, if you image the actress to live life as Ginger, her character in Casino, like I do then it starts to sound downright plausible. Erlinda Elemen claims that Stone said Filipinos were stupid, yelled at her for being religious and banned her from reading the bible in the house. It gets better: She adds that Stone made fun of Filipino food, tried to take back overtime she had already paid her and ordered the nanny not to actually speak to the children lest they begin "to talk like you." Stone's attorney is calling it a piece of riveting not-such-a-fan-fiction: "This is an absurd lawsuit that has been filed by a disgruntled ex-employee who is obviously looking to get money any way she can." [TMZ]

As we know, Anderson Cooper is at his best when giggling about The Real Housewives and not delivering straight news reports. That's why his new show is kind of awesome. In the latest instalment, he kicked "human Barbie" Sarah Burge off stage after she tried to defend allowing her teenage daughter to get Botox. "I honestly have nothing more to talk to you about," he said. "I gotta be honest, I gotta just stop. I'm sorry." Snap! [NYDN]

If you want to know why Jenny McCarthy is posing for Playboy once more, the 39-year-old actress counters with a more valid question: Why the fuck not? Taking to Twitter, she thinks that MILFs are highly underrated and the world could use more middle-aged boob visibility. "Why should only 20 yr olds be considered sexy?" she wrote. "Let's (hear) it for the MILFs." Indeed. [People]

Being so beautiful that you get paid for people to look at you may be a pretty sweet gig but it can put a bullet in your love life, according to Bar Refaeli. "Let's put it out there: No one hits on me. No one flirts with me. It's very sad, actually," she said. "A guy who comes up to me works. I hope that will happen every now and again." [Us]

It's hard as shit to secretly elope when you're famous, just ask Alec Baldwin. Staying on in Europe after shooting his Cannes documentary, people say ol' baby blue eyes will be marrying Hilaria Thomas. "They've been telling people they'll be spending time in Europe, and there's speculation they're going to get married," said someone. [Page Six]

• Lady Gaga arrived in Thailand and instantly offended fans with talk of fake Rolexes. [AP]
• Finally, at long last: Justin Timberlake is making some new music. It's just the score for a Jessica Biel movie, but still. [Page Six]
• Adam Levine's ex, Anne V., has moved on to someone even more annoying — Jared Leto. [Page Six]
• Forget Barack, Bill Clinton is the most rock star of all the presidents; making an entrance with a porn star on both arms at the highfalutin gig he co-hosted with Prince Albert of Monaco. [Page Six]
• Drew Barrymore will walk down the aisle in Chanel but her sister-in-law Jill Kargman will stay faithful to Valentino. Family fashion feud! [Page Six]
• We mentioned yesterday that Sofia Vergara and her ex Nick Loeb met up for a chat. Apparently it didn't end well, with an onlooker hilariously observing a "heated discussion with lots of hand flailing". [Page Six]
• If you still haven't recovered from the shock of Kristen Wiig's departure from SNL, NBC makes it real with a little street-walk down memory lane. [NBC]
• You too can rest your weary head where the delightfully irrepressible Camille Grammer once spread her precious locks. [E!]
• They used to be friends but now Kristin Davis and Aaron Sorkin have kicked things up a notch with word they're dating. "He is obviously really smart... and Kristin is very intelligent, too," said a source type. "They have a lot to talk about." They're probably talking their brains out this very minute. [E!]
• Megan Fox has finally debuted her baby bump, and by "debuted" I mean "walked outside." [E!]
• It's official! Kelly Osbourne has been aged out of the market, with Mick Jagger's daughter, Georgia May Jagger named the new face of Material Girl. [E!]
• Babies can be the worst. They can also be the cutest – as Katherine Heigl's daughter Adalaide proves. [E!]
• Can you beweave it? Brad Pitt went out without the ol' ball-and-chain. Cray-cray! [Us]
• The world is a little less sparkly now that Donna Summer has been laid to rest. [Us]
• In more sad news, Janet Carroll, the actress who played Tom Cruise's mom in Risky Business, died. [People]
• Back to talk of baps, Kristen Stewart wanted to go topless in On The Road. [People]
• Times are tough for poor, ol' Oprah Winfrey — the TV titan has her Chicago home listed at half the original price. [Radar]
• They're amusing, but these shots of John Travolta cross-dressing are no match for the recent accusations of peen and anus exposing. [Daily Mail]
• It turns out that Ray J was saved by ingrown hairs/Sophie Monk. Thank Jebus for both! [TMZ]
• Here are 15 glorious gifs of Jennifer Holliday on last night's American Idol. [imgur via Matt Cherette]

While most families show their love with hugs, presents and/or passive-aggressive barbs following a boozy lunch, Lea Michele and her kin say it with body art. "I come from a very big Italian family, and tattoos are very popular. We'll be like, 'Let's all get tattoos,'" she told David Letterman. "Then we get super sentimental, and then the next day I wake up with, like, another butterfly on my foot. And I'm like, it seemed more important in the moment." She says that the last time they had a possibly regrettable love-in was over Easter. "Some people go hunting for eggs. We go get tattoos," she said, adding she fears a family feud is on its way because she's running out of room. "All my secret hidden spots are done. My real estate is over." [People]

Word on the tabloid street, which is usually strewn with smashed crack vials and used condoms, is that Kim Kardashian has a growing pill addiction after Khloé found a bottle of Valium by her bedside. "Khloé's really freaked out by it: she found a bottle of pills and knew straight away what Kim was doing," said a source type, who added that she gave Kim an ultimatum: give it up or she's telling mom. "It started with just a little bit to take the edge off or help her sleep, but she could become dependent upon pills, which worries her. I think she's secretly pleased Khloé found out because she'd have struggled to stop on her own." [Radar]

It's officially time to let ourselves go and move aside to make room because we're officially old now that Miley Cyrus is waxing lyrical about sex. "The girls that really base how much they're worth on the sexual favors they can do for somebody, that makes me really sad. Because sex is actually really beautiful. It's the only way we create, and it's the only way the world keeps going," she said. "It's ignorant not to talk to your kids about it or [not] make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is." [LA Times]

Chris Brown has urged his rabid fans to stop sending threats to model Chrissy Teigen — including calls for her rape and murder — after she badmouthed him on Twitter. "Team Breezy! Lets stop sending death threats!" he Tweeted. "I know y'all bout that life but it's the wrong message! Ur turning haters into victims!" She deserves extra finger snaps for her original message, posted ahead of his performance at the Billboard Awards: "So excited to see Chris Brown! I love loud and surprising background fits of rage I can hear from the audience!" Solid. [Contact Music, E!]

He was looking fine on the big day but Prince William says he was so nervous about getting married to Kate Middleton that he only got 30 minutes sleep the night before their wedding. "The hardest thing was trying to walk down the stairs with my spurs on, sideways," he said. "I had visions of myself and my brother colliding and crashing down the stairs." [Page Six]

Christopher Guest regular Michael McKean was in a critical condition after he was hit by a car in Manhattan yesterday afternoon, but he's since been upgraded to stable. "He'll be OK, hopefully he'll be fine. It's pretty devastating," said his publicist Harriet Sternberg, adding he was bummed about missing work on The Best Man. "It's the first time he will have ever missed a curtain in his entire life. His understudy has never gone on in 40-plus years." Maybe it was his understudy behind the wheel… Twist! [E!]

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are "trying to work it out," and playing Tonto in The Lone Ranger has helped: Johnny is "very calm and focused" right now. Mystical Disney Magick. [E!]

Start knitting some gender-specific blue booties: Snooki is expecting a tiny guido. More in Midweek Madness. [In Touch Weekly]

• Dating Jennifer Lopez has proved to be quite the career move for Casper Smart, who recently scored his own reality show. He'd better suck it up now because the pendulum swings both ways and when they break up the only place we'll be seeing him is in "celebrity" poker tournaments. [Page Six]
• It seems like just yesterday that Anne Hathaway was publicly standing behind, then creating as much distance as possible between, her fraudy boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. But he was just relesed from prison after four years. Where does the time go? [Page Six]
• She's either knocking boots with her ex or they are simply friends, whatever the case Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb are hanging out. [Page Six]
• Sobriety isn't so great for the business account, says Dennis Rodman. [Page Six]
• Relationship dramedy scribe Nancy Myers has been hired to write for Sony's untitled Royal Wedding project. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Will Smith doesn't regret slapping that reporter who tried to kiss him on the red carpet, calls the situation "awkward," acts like he'd do it again. Let this be a lesson to you kids: Violence is always the answer! [NYDN]
• A report has surfaced claiming that John Travolta's legal team offered one of the five thousand massage therapists accusing him of sexual wrongdoings $125,000 in hush money. Predictably, his legal team are looking the other way and whistling. [NYDN]
• Zac Efron showed off his porn 'stache and sessy man bag at LAX. [E!]
• Tracy Anderson, obsessive trainer to the stars, has given birth to a baby girl. [Us]
• When it comes to raising girls Bruce Willis thinks it's important to teach them how to "shun drama" in their lives. [Us]
• Real estate porn: the Josh Hutcherson/Heath Ledger edition. [TMZ]
• Mary Murphy wants you to know she is not a nympho. [TMZ]

The Lifetime biopic Liz & Dick — in which Lindsay Lohan will play Elizabeth Taylor — hasn't started filming yet, but there's already plenty of high drama… behind the scenes. The producer is being called an idiot for casting your girl LL; and now, Lindz is unhappy with her choices for Dick. Three actors are in the running to play Richard Burton — Gossip Girl's sad dad Matthew Settle, Eastenders' Sean Maguire, and CSI 's Craig Robert Young. But according to a source, "Lindsay declared that none of the actors were the right fit and that she wanted to go to London to look for a possible Burton actor there," because, you know, she is producing and directing this TV movie. Oh, wait, no she's not. It's not in her job description to do the casting! Of course, she's under a lot of pressure. It's obvious that she wants to do a really good job, and part of that is having the right on-screen chemistry with her costar. Understandable that she'd get anxious about who will play the love of Liz Taylor's life. Still, a source snipes: "Lindsay is being an absolute nightmare about who should play Burton. She believes Matthew Settle is too old to play the role, and she wants a major A-list star to be her co-star. However, her salary for the role took up a major portion of the budget, and the Burton gig will likely only pay $200k, max. The producers don't need to get Lindsay's approval of who will play Richard Burton, but they want to keep her happy." [Radar, Related: NYT]

They broke up five years ago and she's since married Jamie Hince, but Pete Doherty has come forward to say that Kate Moss occasionally calls him when she's wasted -– which as we know is often. "She wants to get drunk and call me and talk shit. That's fine but I wouldn't be able to do that to her. Anyway, she's married," said the moral arbiter. "I've listened to her [on voicemail]. A couple of times she's got drunk and called me and been a bit silly. But she's a happily married woman, why does she want to speak to me? Maybe she's still in love with me." Going on to say that he thought she hated him, Doherty blames her friends for breaking them up and says he wishes they were together. "Every time we'd have an argument she'd say ‘All my friends are right about you,'" he added. "You know what, in a different world maybe we could [be together]. It's sad. But… it's all in her court." Though one should take everything he says with a grain of salt, it's pretty juicy so let's drink it down like our lives depends on saline. [Mirror]

Quelle surprise! Chris Brown has once again made an aggressive ass of himself in public. Hitting up Las Vegas nightclub Haze on Saturday, he spent a couple of hours "charming" a group of women by buying them endless bottles of champagne. Fancy! He then got pissed when these women dared not bend to his will and moved on without repaying his purchases in sexual kind. "Brown got visibly upset when the girls moved on to the next table. Brown approached the guys in the group [at the next table] and started getting visibly agitated. Brown stood up, and looked like he was about to start a fight when club security stopped him," said a witness. "He got in the guy's face and was cursing at him, and saying, ‘Are these girls with you or with me?' The guy was stunned by it. Things were close to getting extremely ugly." His rep has since called bullshit on the allegations, but a spokesperson for the club confirms shit went down: "Haze has a zero tolerance policy for violence." [Page Six]
Until he swings a punch Cheryl Cole says we should leave him be. [Daily Mail]

Katy Perry has surprised no one by splitting from her hunky rebound, Florence + the Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd. Even he wasn't all that shocked. "It wasn't that serious. It's not a nasty thing and they are still talking, but Katy told him to do his thing and they'll talk soon," said a some big mouth/liar. "No hard feelings. She's really busy and so is he." [Us]

Speaking of Florence + the Machine, Florence Welch has a pretty interesting take on why she simply can't wear normal clothes and must always don designer outfits – one that we should all employ if we ever find ourselves in a situation where we don't control the purse strings and need an excuse for ridiculous clothing-related credit card charges. "My face isn't right for them," she explained. [Marie Claire]

Jenna Maroney of America's Kidz Got Singing will be proud to hear that Howard Stern made some seven-year-old cry on America's Got Talent. But he didn't get a kick out of making the wee aspiring rapper lose it and went up on stage to try and console him. "This job is too rough for me, I don't really wanna do it anymore," said Stern. "I'm not cut out for this, man. I'm not cut out for it. I'm shaking man, I'm shaking. I can't do it, man. I can't do it." [E!]

So You Think You Can Dance's Mary Murphy is a coked-up sex fiend, according to her former manager. Filing a lawsuit against the host, Michael Sanchez claims she likes the yayo and has had "many inappropriate sexual relationships with So You Think You Can Dance and Chelsea Lately crew members." Harlotry in the first degree! [NYDN]

• Matt Lauer is trying to turn the Hamptons into his own personal horse farm. [Page Six]
• SNL/Portlandia's Fred Armisen had something threatening to say about Krsiten Wiig's departure: "It was both sad and happy because no one ever leaves SNL." [Page Six]
• SNL must be a fun place to work because Kristen's farewell shindig was on Rockerfeller Center's Skating Rink. [Us]
• Gasp! Priscilla Chan, who recently wed Mark Zuckerberg, only spent $4,700 on her wedding dress. [Page Six]
• Two "prominent crisis management gurus" -– amazing! -– say that John Travolta is handling the endless sex allegations like a champ. [NYDN]
• Khloe Kardashian was clearly having a bad day and ignored some fans who wanted her autograph. I blame them for being ridiculous enough to want her autograph. [NYDN]
• It seems to be taking forever to come out, but the new, slightly revised Dark Knight Rises poster suggests its release is imminent. [E!]
• Demi Moore is back at work, playing Elizabeth Olsen's mom in Very Good Girls. [E!]
• will.i.am — whose name I should really uppercase and lose the periods in protest -– is a flamer: He ran with the Olympic torch yesterday. [E!]
• Ramona Singer's daughter Avery just attended prom -– even the youngins among us must be feeling old. [Us]
• Today in cute: Kristen Stewart describes her rescue dog Bear as a baby. [People]
• Usher is playing his cards right in court and crying when accused of being a bad dad. [TMZ]
• She's been through enough lately so perhaps the Nevada Gaming Commission can calm down after learning that Bobbi Kristina may have had an underage bet at the MGM Grand over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Tilda Swinton looks amazing in the latest issue of Candy magazine. [OMG]
• Bar Refaeli rightly credits the fact she won Maxim's Hot List to the fact that she has boobs. [LA Times]
• "Sleep in Leonardo DiCaprio's Bed For Just $150k Per Month!" [Radar]
• Will Smith on playing Barack Obama: "It's about the ears, that's the thing. People see the ears and Barack and I both have the ears, so I'm the most natural choice. I told [Obama] jokingly, 'It's definitely something I would consider, you just have to write the ending.' So he's working on the ending right now." [Page Six]

In her first official appearance since her mom Whitney Houston's death, Bobbi Kristina kept it cool and classy as she spoke about her mother at the Billboard Music Awards. "I just really want to say thank you to everyone who supported us through it all," she said. "Thanks for showing that much love, because she deserved it. I'm just blessed to have been in such an incredible woman's life." [TMZ]

As we found out on Saturday, Kristen Wiig kicked us in the guts by leaving Saturday Night Live after seven long and fruitful years — cue the tears. Like any long-term relationship that has run its course, we saw it coming but still can't believe it's really over. While Wiig apparently plans to direct movies and "live in Paris and paint," you'll find us sitting in a dark room reliving old memories: from Dooneese and Gilly to Kris Jenner and Lana Del Rey, Us Weekly have been so kind as to compile a photo album of her best and brightest so we have something to look at while getting drunk and listening to Adele songs. Laughter through the tears! [Us]

Someone with deep, charitable pockets and a penchant towards self-promotion is going to be a very happy chappy – or chapess – after Karl Lagerfeld and Harvey Weinstein announced what is quite easily the most interesting charity auction item ever. As part of amfAR's Cinema Against AIDS gala the pair are offering the winning bidder a starring role in a short film directed by Lagerfeld and produced by Weinstein. It's pretty major. [Page Six]

Substance abusers in the grip of addiction aren't known to be the most honest bunch, but Nick Stahl made good on an email he sent his friends over the weekend by checking into rehab. His estranged wife, Rose Murphy Stahl, decided to share the details with her "fans" on Twitter: "It's all good. In the sense the search is over. There is safety and even some comfort now." [E!]

Her husband, Mike Fisher, says he wants to have seven kids, but, seeing as it's her vagina, Carrie Underwood is understandable wary. "I think two is a good number to have," she told Oprah. "We'll see. We'll cross that bridge. I don't want too many." [Us]

• Dina Lohan will be sharpening her nails to a point after hearing news that Snooki's dad is now the most disruptive stage parent in town after the star's father potentially cost his daughter $7 million in a bitter legal battle. [Page Six]
• Thanks to NYDN's hard-hitting and relevant investigation we now know that Jonah Hill has gone "from chunk to hunk — and then back to chunk again" after falling off the "weight loss wagon". We'll keep you updated as the story develops. [NYDN]
• Expect the tabloids to concern troll her this week because Rihanna over-partied in London and missed her flight. [E!]
• Is it just me or could transgender Miss Universe contestant Jenna Talackova look like she could be Donald Trump daughter? [People]
• A truly remarkable understatement, John Mayer says oversharing in interviews was not a power move. [People]
• Awkward family photos: the Nicholas Cage and co. addition. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan might have copped a lot of shit about her Liz Taylor biopic, but at least she's nailing the wardrobe. [TMZ]
• What do you think? Will Miley Cyrus kick off her own version of The Rachel? [Yahoo]
• Ashton Kutcher and Rumer Willis are still pretty tight despite the divorce. [X17]
• Jennifer Lopez might be sticking around American Idol after all — standard contract negotiation twist! [Huff Po]
• He raised a lot of money for charity and has a solid point, but when Sean Penn says the whole world failed Haiti you just want to roll your eyes – because it's him. [LA Times]
• Otter Jake Gyllenhaal is bearding it up for his new film, An Enemy. [Daily Mail]
• Breaking: Lady Gaga and Marge Simpson spotted lezzing out on Evergreen Terrace. [Daily Mail]

While straight women and 'mos have already cleared out the spank bank to make room for the visual sexcellence sure to come out of Channing Tatum's upcoming stripperiffic film, Magic Mike, he says straight guys shouldn't overlook it. "People say that women and the gay community will go see it — knock on wood," he said. "But I know straight guys won't be like, 'Yo, what's up man? You wanna go see the stripping movie after the game tonight?' I doubt they'll have the balls to see it." Though they might be persuaded once they realize the fine piece of ass otherwise known as Joe Manganiello is also in it: "With Joe Manganiello naked in a movie, I think even straight guys are going to be, 'Shit, I need to see that. That man is a specimen.'" Tatum says that when people find out about his stripper past it's the bro dudes who get all kinds of worked up. "What's funny is that the girls don't ask me questions about my stripping days, but straight guys want to know everything," he added. "It's that fantasy element." [Us]

If you ever want to rebuff consistent and delightfully detailed gay rumors plaguing your husband, a word of advice: don't follow Kelly Preston's lead. Rather than wisely ignoring it, the actress has decided to publically release the private video montage John Travolta gave her for Mother's Day. A the risk of coming off like a cliché ol' queen myself, I'd just like to draw your attention to the fact that it's set to "That Face" by Barbara Fucking Streisand. Oh, gurrrrl. [Celebuzz]

Yesterday we heard that Mark Ronson said that Amy Winehouse was "freaked out" by Adele's success. But the producer wants y'all to know that he was misquoted in the original article. "Some journalist quoted me as saying Amy was ‘freaked out' by Adele's success. jesus Christ," he wrote on Facebook. "i read the interview for the first time just now, and there are so many wrong quotes in there. i can tell the dude was writing whatever he wanted because he uses words and language that i never EVER fucking use in my daily life." [Facebook]

I love Chloë Sevigny — correction, I love Chloë Sevigny as played by the amazing Drew Droege — so it saddens me to hear her say that she's worried her latest role as a pre-op transsexual assassin in Hit & Miss might make her less attractive to men. "I was lonely and I felt really unattractive," she says of her costume. "I was confused about my desirability — was I desirable? — in having put that on, and having men see me with that on." [Page Six]

Naomi Watts was understandably unsure about playing Princess Diana in Caught in Flight, and wanted to say no when she was first approached to play the part. "I'm looking forward to it, but am absolutely terrified," she said. "It's going to be a tough one. It's a big beast to take on. I just try to do my best." [Daily Mail]

Loving these soft, black and white behind-the-scenes photos of Rihanna at a photoshoot. [Esquire UK]

• Kanye West's new music compilation and film are called Cruel Summer. Sorry Ye, Imma let you finish, but Bananarama… you know the rest. [Rap Radar]
• Snow White And The Huntsman looks set to be not only amazing but an interesting take on female competition, says Charlize Theron: "There is something great about two women kind of going at it … that will resonate, I think, with women in today's society." [Celebuzz]
• Rufus Wainwright is in trouble with a Catholic Church in Chelsea, after he called it "crappy" on a DVD. [Page Six]
• Wanna see photos of Hilary Duff's new kid? It's okay, she posted them on Twitter – they weren't taken by some asshole pap. [NYDN]
• David Letterman told Conan O'Brien that Jay Leno is a brat, but failed to mention he's also extremely not funny. [E!]
• It looks like someone is fighting back against my hairspiration idol, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman — he received death threats. [E!]
• Donna Summer's death is indeed a tragedy but her family can be proud of the fact that Barack Obama was so saddened he made an official statement. [E!]
• Donna said before her death that she thought inhaling toxic air in the aftermath of 9/11 – she lived nearby – gave her cancer. [TMZ]
• She was excellent before all that romantic comedy crap — Freeway and Election, anyone? – so it's nice to see that Reese Witherspoon is upping her cinematic game by signing on for Devil's Knot, about the West Memphis 3. [Us]
• Best photobomb of the month goes to Madagascar 3's Alex the lion who got Ben Stiller and David Schwimmer good in Cannes. [People]
• Snooki Tweets a photo of her baby bump. [People]
• Do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt ever leave the house and not get papped? If so it wasn't today, the pair getting snapped leaving the National Portrait Gallery in London. [Popsugar]
• Ellen and Portia DeGeneres have an awesome new house – complete with internal tree! [TMZ]
• Photos of Beth Dito kissing her fiancée Kristen Ogata on the red carpet in Cannes make me happy for some reason. Firstly, because Ditto is great, and secondly, my Frenchy-pants boyfriend was watching her performance and interview at the film festival yesterday and she's an absolute powerhouse. That and she repeatedly spoke about the fact that she's a successful out lesbian and it's important to hear that sometimes (you need to click down some). [Daily Mail]
• Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder will perform together at the Billboard awards! Dueling pianos? [EW]
• Though this clearly deserves to be up front I put news of Joey Lawrence joining the Chippendales down here to leave a lingering mental image in your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome. [OMG]

Heaven forbid a woman gestate a human and not instantaneously return to super-svelte shape! The Indian media have proved themselves every bit as concerntrolly as their US counterparts after commentators went after Bollywood legend Aishwarya Rai — not only for selfishly getting pregnant, but also for having the nerve to not shed pounds immediately following the birth. (Her new baby is a mere six months old.) Causing outrage after getting snapped looking roughly 0.00067% less hot than normal on her way to a party for UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon, Rai's been likened to an elephant on one website — complete with trumpeting sound effects — resulting in some impassioned commentary. "She is a Bollywood actress and it is her duty to look good and fit," typed one commenter, with another adding: "She needs to learn from people like Victoria Beckham who are back to size zero weeks after their delivery." WTF! Oh, Ban is thought to have asked her to be the global face of the UN's girl child campaign at the party, but surely those girls deserve a gaunter face to look up to. Amirite, ladies? [SMH]

For her part, Jessica Simpson agrees, and can't wait to drop her baby weight. Though she does have a $4 million carrot in the form of a Weight Watcher's contract dangling in front of her. "As soon as Jessica heals from the C-section, she is extremely determined to get back in the gym and work out," said someone. "She wants to show the world and is excited to do it." [Us]

Funny for us, shit-your-pants scary for Michael Caine: the actor got locked in his dressing room overnight after falling asleep while on a break from shooting Now You See Me. Oh, said dressing room happened to be in the attic of an old, disused New Orleans theatre. "His mobile phone was in his trailer, and there was no electricity in the attic, meaning he couldn't see a thing," said a crewmember. "It was pitch black. Michael started shouting for help, but no one could hear him." [Page Six]

We can all exhale, because Nick Stahl has been spotted since his wife reported him missing yesterday — carrying packing boxes outside an apartment complex in West Hollywood. But you might want to inhale again real quick because it might mean their current custody battle is getting nasty. "He does this sometimes," said a know-it-all eyewitness. "He'll be back." [E!]

Now I don't know about you but I was sick of these prick teasing masseurs talking a big game when it came to John Travolta but refusing to do us a solid by actually putting out. Luckily, the latest accuser said he took up the challenge and can report back that Travolta is a passionate lover. "He's a great kisser. I know because I had sex with him, and he loved it," said Luis Gonzalez. "I gladly let him lay on the table naked… and within five minutes, Travolta spread his legs and I could see an erection. He moved around and started to breathe heavily. He'd say, ‘Oh, yeah, that feels so good! A little higher, please!' We got into the bed that was right next to the massage table and had a really good time." [NYDN]
A gym employee has also come forward to add his name to the pile. [Radar]

Reports from questionable sources claim that Raven Symone is a lesbian, doesn't care what her family thinks, and is in love with a woman named AzMarie, who was on cycle 18 of America's Next Top Model. Congrats? Sounds like good times all around. [ONTD]

• Drake and Chris Brown think Rihanna is a total slut. [Ebony]
• Suicide fears and divorce drama are the themes in a new daytime drama-esque biography of Barack Obama. [Page Six]
• Gentlemen who prefer a more experience lady, be advised: 52-year-old Linda Hogan has called off her engagement to 23-year-old boyfriend Charley Hill. [NYDN]
• Courntey Stodden recreates Bo Derek's hair-braided, gold-swimsuited run. God bless you everyone! [NYDN]
• They seemed pretty well-suited at the time, but Billy Bob Thornton says he was "too insecure" to stay married to Angelina Jolie. [NYDN]
• Want to watch what's going to happen in the next season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Me neither. [E!]
• Brooklyn Decker confirms what we've long suspected – that she was named after a horse. [Us]
• Mark Ronson says that Amy Winehouse was freaked out by Adele and, though she liked her, fretted about her fellow singer's success shortly before her death. [Us]
• Sofia Vergara's favorite gourmet fish dish looks like fake vomit with a garnish on top. [People]
• Janet Jackson says she doesn't weigh herself anymore because it's as unhealthy as shit. [People]
• Her trust fund was, in fact, largely funded by the gays, so it's great that Lourdes Leon is pro-gay marriage. [INF]
• Bringing it up two times in as many months, Kristen Stewart is really angling for a role in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades Of Grey alongside Robert Pattinson. [Celebuzz]
• Charlize Theron isn't a fan of German philosophy: "You know what I can't stand? I hate actors who come and quote Nietzsche. I don't like pretentious shit." [Celebitchy]
• The cast of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills strike fear into our hearts by suggesting that Taylor Armstrong quit drinking on camera. [Radar]

What was the plot of Terminator 3 again? A mild-mannered human resources guy finds out the company's been taken over by a conglomerate and his new duties are to team up with two other HR peeps and let go of 99% of the staff? Something like that. Anyway, Nick Stahl, who played John Connor in Terminator 3, is nowhere to be found. His wife filed a missing person's report on Monday, saying the last time she'd seen the actor was May 9. According to sources, Stahl may have fallen in with a druggy, dangerous Skid Row crowd. Hopefully this story doesn't have a tragic ending. (Related: Has anyone seen Edward Furlong lately? Any chance he and Stahl are together?) [TMZ]

It's difficult enough for most non-specials to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem, so imagine how much harder it is for Khloé Kardashian — who is publicly labelled as fat and ugly on a near daily basis, and has been so most of her life. "I was called fat all the time. I've always been compared to my sisters, who are beautiful and who have always been," she says of growing up. "I feel like I was so attacked. I had to wear braces, I was overweight as a kid, just for no reason." Things didn't get better when she found fame as an adult, when she was named the ugliest, fattest Kardashian by tabloids, interweb trolls and her ghoul of a mother, Kris Jenner. "I'm called the fat sister... I'm called the ugliest Kardashian," she said, adding that she's learnt to overcome it and realizes she's actually hot shit. "I'm proud of myself. I could break and go get all this plastic surgery and get my nose fixed and get lipo or do whatever, but I haven't chosen to do that because I know I'm a great person. I'm pretty damn hot, if you ask me." Agreed, plus she's the only likeable Kardashian – which is a pretty major feat. [E!]

Obligatory press rounds for Snow White And The Huntsman combined with the fact she's a new mom means Charlize Theron is giving some good quote lately. Like yesterday when she admitted she had no teeth until she was 11 because they had rotted. "My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11. I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out," she said. "So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous." [The Sun]

In a decidedly cute and old timey move, Maggie Gyllenhaal sent a note to apologize for her absence from the premiere of her new movie, Hysteria, because she just had another kid. Sadly, she missed out on the free vibrators going around at the party. "They gave vibrators to every guest," said an attendee. "Including Angela Lansbury, who claimed it was her first." Which is surprising because she's always seemed like a bit of a saucy minx. [Page Six]

Landing a high-profile TV gig is a major score for any young actress, but it can also lead to decades-long sexual stereotyping. Just ask Jessica Alba, who says that her stint on Dark Angel had some unintended consequences. "I had a show that premiered when I was 19. And right away, everyone formed a strong opinion about me because of the way I was marketed," she said. "I was supposed to be sexy, this tough action girl. ... I felt like I was being objectified, and it made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be chic and elegant! Now that I'm older, I've learned how to own it, but I'm still not very overt." [Marie Claire]

Listening to debate about your dick might be challenging for any man, but Michael Fassbender says it comes with the territory. "It's fun to a point, and after a certain point you worry that it kind of detracts from the movie. But there's nothing I can do. I just have to laugh it off," he said."I take my work seriously but I can't take myself too seriously. I'm in such a crazy privileged position - shit, this is the pinnacle of the dream when I was 17... Nobody wants to hear really how difficult it is." [NYDN]

• Four words: TAYLOR ARMSTRONG CATASTROPHIC MELTDOWN. [Radar]
• Surely you want to see Jason Biggs recreating the Time cover with his wife. [Seriously OMG]
• It's always creepy when celebrities are photographed in enclosed spaces like the New York subway — Zoe Saldana, you're up. [Daily Mail]
• Raise your hand if you'd like to be the meat in a Rihanna/Zoe Saldana dance sandwich. [Page Six]
• Things are about to get filthy today, with news that Betty White's roast is happening from midday. [Page Six]
• Before everyone piles on Brooklyn Decker for saying her acting skills need work, the same could be said for roughly 90-97 per cent of all working actor types. [Page Six]
• What's more shocking than Amanda Lepore cutting in front of 300 women waiting in line at the Christian Louboutin sample sale is the fact that she emerged without her eyes being scratched out. [Page Six]
• Paul Bettany was digging his wife Jennifer Connelly's blonde hair while she was shooting Virginia, but is glad she's back to normal. "I married a brunette," he said. Hear that, Connelly? You've been told. [Page Six]
• Don't worry anxious fashion followers, even Lady Gaga recycles her looks – donning this new take on an old meat dress fav. [NYDN]
• Rachel Uchitel has given birth to a wee little baby girl. [E!]
• Joanna Johnson, of The Bold And The Beautiful fame, has come out. She says she was scared that coming out earlier would ruin her career, but has since decided that she doesn't give two shits if it means she can finally be happy. Good for her. [Us]
• So wrong, but oh so right: TMZ have some interesting coverage of Dr. Oz's wang making quite the impression on a Good Housekeeping shoot. [TMZ]
• Like many of us, Mariska Hargitay often loses her mind when playing "[Insert preferred game] With Friends" on her iPhone. [Vulture]
• Shirley Manson is back in our lives. Never go away, or appear in TV shows we don't watch, again! [Vulture]
• Shock of all shocks: It's been confirmed – again – that Kanye West will be appearing on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. [Radar]
• Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Cruise's tongue. [Yeeeah]
• "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you'd see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. She's funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I'm a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don't know what to say — I'm just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special." — Tom Cruise on Katie Holmes. [Playboy]

Finally! After months of mental prick and clit teasing, Julianne Moore has finally, officially, signed on to play the tyrannical mother in the highly anticipated remake of Carrie. It's not the first time she's taken on the classics — playing Lila Crane in Gus Van Sant's 1998 take on Psycho — and if Chloe Moretz in the lead wasn't proof enough that they're going to do a good job of it then Moore's signature certainly seals the deal. But what can we expect? Well, not the apparent cakewalk that was the original, says Moretz, this one is going to get darker. "It's darker and much more psychological. More Black Swan," she said. "You're really looking into her mind and it really looks into the relationship of Margaret and Carrie. It's set in modern time, so it's a lot different." [The Sun]

Mariah Carey is just the best. Rather than whore her twin babies out to the highest tabloid bidder she launched their very own website called Dembabies.com. Featuring an intimate family album of her playing with Morocco and Monroe, everything looks totally cute and normal — except for the fact that Mariah's wearing a formal dresses and shitloads of diamonds. Celebrities are just like us! [Dembabies]

Man, someone needs to remind Charlize Theron to take her ginkgo biloba. Showing the early stages of what is commonly referred to as Mommyitis, the actress says she can't even recall what life was like before adopting Jackson and getting hit with the memory erasure of motherhood. "I feel like I can't remember anything prior to him," she said. "I feel like it was always just meant to be what it is." [Us]
Charlize and Kristen Stewart were clearly given the same memo when it came to dressing for the London premiere of Snow White And The Huntsman: "Sheer. Black. No, sheerer." [Radar]

Considering her drug and baby doll-clad past it was probably more like a real-life flashback than pedestrian anxiety attack, but Courtney Love freaked the fuck out at the scores of "identical blond models in pink nighties" who were "taking pills, writhing on a couch or smoking cigarettes" at interactive play Sleep No More's latest spinoff, The Forgotten. "You'd turn a corner and suddenly there'd be another girl up against the wall. Walking through, Courtney started saying, ‘Get me out of here. I have to get out of here!'" said an onlooker, another adding, "She bolted for the exit, albeit the wrong one — mid-performance — which did nothing to calm her anxiety. All these models acting like pill-crazed lunatics then came out of character to console her. She felt trapped and claustrophobic." It sounds genuinely terrifying. [Page Six]

If she has her way, Barbra Streisand is going to be the chart-topper of your grandchildren's generation. Proving you can't keep an icon down, there is talk she's going to duet with the likes of Rihanna and Adele. Which would just be the best. [Popdust]

• Do you want to see inside the house that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will soon be sleeping and sexing in? No? Too bad! [Trulia]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new house is so big we're only treated to aerial shots. [E!]
• Also, Angelina Jolie just splurged $1.6 million on a helicopter and flying lessons for Brad Pitt. Just cuz! [Page Six]
• Tyson Beckford doesn't care if his jerk-off tape hits the interwebs. Which is promising in terms of size and performance. [Page Six]
• An afternoon of drinking goes belly-up for Scott Disick, who spent much of Saturday throwing up into a garbage can in Atlantic City. What a catch! [Page Six]
• By the by, Kristen Stewart referred to Robert Pattinson as "my fucking boyfriend." [Celebitchy]
• The men and Sapphic ladies of Manhattan were in for a treat the other evening when Sofia Vergara and pals, including Jessica Stam, had a single ladies night out in the city. [Page Six]
• Drew Barrymore celebrated her engagement to Will Kopelman by throwing an engagement party for 300 friends at the Press Lounge rooftop on Friday. Making like a Real Houswives castmember she served guests her own personal wine label. [Page Six]
• In true Real Housewives style, Drew knocked a woman on her ass and acted like she didn't realize. [NYDN]
• I'm just going to leave this inspired headline here: "Justin Bieber's Perfume Wins Fragrance Oscars." [NYDN]
• I also don't think I can add anymore to this gem: "Don't Mess With John Travolta, Says John Gotti's Widow, Victoria." [NYDN]
• Finally! Ben Affleck shaved off his raggedy-ass beard and trimmed his locks. [Us]
• Most people talk a big game when they say they're going to kill the woman that ran off with their husband, but one could see Brandi Glanville getting at least mildly stabby. [Us]
• Kelly Preston is speaking the gospel truth when she says no one should have to experience the pain of losing a child. [Us]
• Breaking: Snooki is going to give up tanning for her baby. [E!]
• This Japanese Johnny Depp fan does a pretty good impression of the actor. [TMZ]
• I'd totally buy the Tan Mom issue of Playboy. [TMZ]
• Kelly Ripa's husband is a former stripper. Which makes sense, as I'd totally shove dollar bills down his drawers given half a chance. [HuffPo]
• Anyone want to see Benedict Cumberbatch in his swimmers? Any excuse for me to write that name: Benedict Cumberbatch, Benedict Cumberbatch, Benedict Cumberbatch! [The Sun]

Just this morning you woke up thinking, What the world needs now is for that chick from the Disney Channel to get a job on one of the many singing competition TV shows. You'll be thrilled to know that Demi Lovato has signed on to Simon Cowell's The X Factor. Cha-ching! The big rumor, of course, is that Britney Spears will also be a judge, joining original talking head LA Reid. (Last season's judges, Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul, were fired.) More will be revealed later today, as the upfronts — the ritual in which TV networks battle for ad dollars — are happening all week. [TMZ]

She's been a mom for quite a spell, but send some finger snaps Kelly Preston's way after she announced she stopped boozing and using for the sake of her kids. "Now I don't drink anymore. I don't smoke anymore. I don't do drugs anymore. All of those come with an 'anymore.' I used to do everything and a lot of everything," she said, rather candidly. "With drinking, I just decided that I wasn't always at my best. There were times where I drank too much, for sure." Some dates and drug preferences would be handy? Is she talking about smoking pot 10 years ago or was she shooting heroin as recently as last week? Whatever the case, we clearly all need to tune into The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, it's where Preston dropped this gossip bomb — obviously de Cadenet knows how to get the goods. [NYDN]
In semi- related news, Jada Pinkett Smith's mom joins the party and says that she wasn't the best mother she could be on account of her drug use. [Daily Mail]

Poor ol' Patrick Dempsey has put his two recently adopted American Bulldog-Staffordshire Terrier mixes, Daisy and Ginger, to a reality TV-style vote to see which one he'd be able to keep. Word has it the dogs were about to kill each other and while he wants to keep one he couldn't pick and put them both back into the system and figured he'll keep whoever doesn't sell first. And it looks like we might have a winner... [TMZ]

It's safe to say that Neil Patrick Harris' mom, Sheila Scott Harris, didn't offer him seconds of dessert following their Mother's Day lunch. Which makes sense, he did out her as a particularly ravenous cannibal on Twitter. "Happy Mother's Day, @GladSheila," he wrote. "You ate an amazing mom, a wonderful grandma, and a beautiful human being. Love you so much!" Quickly realizing what he had done, NPH was understandably upset. "Oh my god," he added. "I just revealed that my mother eats people. On this, of all days. What have I done? What have I DONE?!?" Awesome. [Buzzfeed]

Someone who is no doubt going to get seconds forever is Manolo Gonzalez, who uploaded a tribute to mom Sofia Vergara on YouTube. "What I'm most proud of is that she's still the same, she hasn't changed. She has her career and she still managed to raise me at the same time — that's pretty great, he said, adding that she's also "loud and overprotective," a "loud Latin mother who calls my name repeatedly." And offers some pretty hilarious examples. [E!]

It's official! Blake Lively is one of those people who totally lose themselves in a relationship. She ditched her bestie Anna Wintour and the Met Gala because she was on a trip with her latest piece, Ryan Reynolds. Not only that, she also skipped out on a screening of her latest movie the week before. Offering no official statement, Wintour was overheard bitching to Karl Lagerfeld saying she was completely over it and Lively can find a new BFF to sit next to during second period. [NYDN]

• It sounds like a great way to shake off the recently hospitalized blues — Rihanna headed out for a bit of a dance following her recent trip to ICU. [Page Six]
• How do you feel about Tom Hardy's beard? Be honest. [ONTD]
• Having a bit of a laff at Tan Mom's expense, Kim Kardashian posted a photo of herself wearing a deep, deep shade of fake tan. [Page Six]
• Linday Lohan's handlers want her to steer clear of Samantha Ronson while she gets her career back on track yet again. Forbidding her to even be friends for fear of platonic lesbian drama – a lesser-known cousin of the regular kind. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is still banging on about her vajazzled vagina. Maybe she misinterpreted the instructions in the first place and used an actual Bedazzler. [NYDN]
• Lady Gaga was wearing a ring so some folk thought she was engaged. Then truth bible TMZ confirmed she wasn't. What a rollercoaster of emotions. [NYDN]
• Want to know the secret reason five actors dropped out of Quentin Tarantino's latest film, Django Unchained? Right this way… [E!]
• Reese Witherspoon added some star power during what was an otherwise depressing day in court when she took part in "an emergency hearing on whether her father should be placed in a conservatorship" after that whole bigamy thing. [Us]
• Dogs are awesome, and Rumer Willis just adopted a pretty darn adorable one. Though not Patrick Dempsey's. [People]
• Today in depressing: Pauly D is primed to be more financially successful than most of us. [TMZ]
• Mena Suvari's ex wants spousal support to the tune of $17,000/month following their extremely long, two-year marriage. [TMZ]
• Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel suck face in public. [The Sun]
• Okay, so Arrested Development is totally, really, for sure happening because Vulture have a photo of creator Mitch Hurwitz in a room with some writers and the man himself confirmed they were penning a script for the show. [Vulture]
• In unsettling photo news: here is a picture of Jon Gosselin DJing at a middle school prom. [Radar]

You might think that heading out and about in brightly colored sleepwear would attract attention but not so according to Adele, who loves nothing more than color blocking her way through London's tourist hotspots. "I was a bit worried. I was in my pajamas. I was in color. I'm always in black. I threw pumps on, this massive green coat and then little pink pumps. Nobody recognized me," she said of a recent stroll through Trafalgar Square. "A couple looked round but they were like, ‘No, she's in color.' And what would she be doing walking through a packed Trafalgar Square on a Saturday?" The get-up is all a part of her bizarrely successful plan to keep a low profile, both on the street and in the press. "I just wanna make music. I don't want anyone chatting about me, really. I still hope I have a little bit of clout in 10 years. All I've ever wanted to do is sing," she said. "I don't want to be a celebrity. I don't want to be in people's faces, you know, constantly on covers of magazine that I haven't even known I'm on." You heard the woman, move along, nothing to see here. [Daily Mail]

If you're a guy working in any service industry ever chances are John Travolta begged you for sex at some point. In the latest case, Fabian Zanzi claims the actor came onto him when he was working on a Royal Caribbean cruise in 2009, by giving him a naked bear-hug and offering him $12K for a little pole in the hole action. "He told me he had something on his neck," said Zanzi. "I thought it was fuzz. As I approached, he took off his white robe and was naked. He hugged me and asked me to do a massage." [NYDN]

Bristol Palin is copping flak hard and fast after she blamed Glee for Barack Obama's decision to support same-sex marriage – which will potentially unleash a furious tidal wave of awesome weddings upon US shores. "Bristol should keep her uneducated ignorant mouth shut," Tweeted JWoww. Samantha Ronson also jumped in with: "We know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home.' really bristol palin? how's your kid doing?" But actual cast member Lea Michele said it best when talking about the Glee connection. "Amen," she Tweeted. [E!]

I may talk a lot of shit about babies and the horrors of a childbirth that I'll never have to endure, but the prospect of Mother's Day must be pretty exciting for new moms like Beyonce. "[We're] all going to be together," said Tina Knowles. "We're excited because it's Beyonce's first Mother's Day… I'm hoping to cook! I want to cook. [Us]

It looks like I'll have to eat my words – and a suicide pill – after Kris Jenner blamed Scott Disick for the amazing Twitter hack, making him likeable for a split second. After noticing a Tweet on her feed that described an unfortunate sharting accident, she updated: "Uh yes I got hacked so sorry dolls!!!! I'm guessing it's @ScottDisick???" Though I'm still holding out hope it was Khloe. [Page Six]

• I suppose we can be thankful that Rosie Pope of Pregnant In Heels is only live-Tweeting her third child's birth and not Instagramming the ordeal. [BravoTV]
• Don't you hate it when you think someone has stolen your one-of-a-kind Givenchy jacket at the Prada Met Ball after-party? Liv Tyler feels your pain. [Page Six]
• Obviously a fan of Barack Obama's newly vocal stance on gay marriage, Ellen DeGeneres says he deserves extra credit for making it known during an election year. [Page Six]
• The jury has deliberated for a second day in the Jennifer Hudson family murder trial. [NYDN]
• Those Olsen twins had better watch their back now that Nicole Richie is designing a range for Macy's, in addition to her other TV star-turned-fashion designer endeavors. [NYDN]
• In what's turning out to be a deliciously gay day, the cast of Sister Wives give same-sex marriage the thumbs up. [E!]
• Drew Barrymore took her bump for a walk on the red carpet. [E!]
• Someone with far too much time on their hands has decided to recreate Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's wedding. And by "recreate," I mean stage ahead of the actual event. [Us]
• Kris Humphires wants you to kick him in the balls. Any takers? [TMZ]
• Serena Williams' has a rap song out. Who knew? [TMZ]
• The security at George Clooney's house just got intense ahead of a visit by Barack Obama for a $40,000-a-head fundraising event. [TMZ]
• Isabella Cruise has a tattoo and a boyfriend. Which at 19 years of age is pretty shocking. [Radar]
• Fan of the swears Nicki Minaj says it's up to parents to decide whether or not her music is fit for their children. [Radar]
• Chaka Khan dropped 60 lbs. [Elev8]
• Kimye shows up in Canada. Sorry, Canada. [Hello!]
• Cory Monteith, who plays a high school senior on Glee, turns 30 today. Cough. [E!]
• How does Charlize Theron look so insanely hot when travelling by air? It's ridiculous! [Daily Mail]